Solo Muslimah

ive become solo in more ways than one!

2012-01-21T06:28:00.000-08:00

solo muslimah. ah yes, when i first gave this blog its moniker it was because i felt so isolated as a muslim. not shunned but not "remembered" very often at the mosque as a revert.

oh how i did lament my self proclaimed misfortune enough here, didnt i?

but before i go any further, i will stress that the feelings of isolation and lonliness are very real for many reverts especially living in the west! its too bad that we dont have many many more support groups for reverts and more of them OFFLINE too. its great to have online support when you need it but we cant live our entire lives online.

my statehood of being solo is twofold as of late...basically im still serving my term in islamic community isolation lol but im also very solo in alot of my thoughts. oh i know there are more out there like me, but for fear of having our heads cut off or stoned to death, many of us remain quiet.

i still love islam but the ummah itself seems not to be even connected to the religion. yes we pray, we go to jumaah (how i wish i could) but many of our outward behaviors are ugly. i dont ever remember encountering so much nastiness, so much condemnatory, critical and downright PRIGGISH behaviour in my entire 50 years as i have once i said shahada. i used to listen to every word, hang on it and try to do better. i used to berate myself for being the absolute WORST muslimah that ever graced (or disgraced i thought) the religion!!!

i used to cry. yes i cried many tears from words from others who were just trying to "help" me.

but do you know what happens when that goes on for too long?

you start to dislike. you start to question. the rose colored glasses come off.....and you see that, though that are billions of muslims worldwide, many do not behave appropriately. not even near appropriately.

when you dare to speak up, one of the first things a "helpful" person may offer is...."well sister if you just covered your hair...."....what? like you did as you cursed another sister out publicly? covering my hair will make me feel better? see things more clearly? take two aspirin and call me in the morning type of thing? covering one's hair is not going to make a person pious. piety comes from within. you can not cover ugliness with even the most expensive material. hijab is not the simply the cloth but the spirit in deed.

i became more aware, though i was from the beginning, of how, many of us as muslims, equate "other's" traditional clothing as being more islamic. and if you dont comform you just AINT a good muslim. no maam, that swirling tunic down to your knees with loose jeans underneath just aint cutting it!! no sireeee. i am not an arab, i am not asian, i dont care for abaya, i do happen to like salwar kameez because it is lovely but i also am a western woman. i am not not not an arab, i am not asian. i am american alhamdulillah. i know how to dress and though my hair may not always be covered my arse and breasts ALWAYS are!!!

its lovely to be able to learn any language, and if you are talented enough to learn arabic and be able to read the Qur'an in arabic then masha Allah, i promise you i am impressed and wish i can do the same one day...but, again, i am NOT an arab. i am american and english is my primary language. so forgive me if i am not walking around saying shukran and ukhti, etc. the words "alhamdulillah, subhanallah, masha Allah" are sublime. they are beautiful words and they spill off my tongue with respect.....but i dont have to start tossing words in to show the world that i know a little (or a lot in some cases) arabic. i speak spanish and some french but i dont say buenos dias when i see people.........good morning will suffice!

...i am american. an english speaking american. and i am content.

my thoughts on religion have evolved tremendously. as with any religion, you should never accept blindly what any man (or woman) has told you. humans are infallible. only Allah is perfect and all knowing. i believe the prophets are the next best thing. they were truly representative of God. this is a very touchy subject for some but the hadith....they were written by man. verbally passed down as the truth and then written down some two hundred years after the death of the prophet, swt. but its like chinese whispers, after 5 minutes the original thought can be misconstrued, so what can 200 years do to an idea? the prophet, swt, even instructed his people to NOT write down his every word and move but to remember what he taught about God not how he went to the loo. we are taught to blindly accept what each hadith says to be nothing but the truth. we are taught to believe that sheikhs are learned and correct (think hard on this one, many people call osama bin laden a sheikh) no matter what their agenda.

faith is to believe in God through spiritual apprehension rather than proof. God. we put nearly as much faith into what humans tell us as we do God, as we do the Qur'an....we can't. the messengers (and i do have an "s" on the end of that word because ive learned that many muslims tend to forget the other messengers) are placed here by God to deliver a message BUT the people who write about them are mere humans. humans are not perfect. not divine. we are prone to mistake and memory lapses, prone to use poetic license to make the story work.

i feel safer in sticking with the Qur'an. i do believe that many of the accounts about the messengers are accurate. the one's that teach how to be a good muslim, a good person, how to love God and each other....but some of the other? especially the one's that make women into villains, well, let's just say they seem very unprophet like to say the least. those are the hadith that make outsiders say hmmmmm when theyre learning about islam. they should make us say hmmmmm too.

i no longer have an interest in listening to speeches by sheikhs that are sitting in front of a camera in saudi. i dont live in saudi. i live in america where we have a whole different set of problems and situations that a sheikh sitting in saudi, egypt, pakistan, or malaysia wouldnt even begin to understand. they cant identify. and if you cant identify with your audience, how the heck are you going to know them? know what they need? know how to help them...you cant.

i love our american sheikhs for that reason. they know that life here is not like life "there". im not saying that there are not sheikhs out there that can relate to everyone properly but i come across very few.

i realized, finally after 50 years, that religion will make you feel a failure. the manmade parts of it but Allah? He will never make you feel like a loser, a failure. Allah makes you want to be better and to feel there is hope. even when there are trials, He is there waiting for you to take His hand. i still believe in Allah, the angels, the prophets, the pillars...yes i do. but ive very little use for the rest. astaghfiruallah if im wrong....and let me tell you, if i AM wrong? then its between me and God, yeah?

at the end of this long thought process turned into a blog post, i want to say that i have come across some beautiful walking, talking examples of real islam. there are not many, but they make you want to be the best muslim in the world. you strive to be more like them. yet not one of them is depreciative or negative. instead of ridicule they simple glorify Allah and let you know that He is here for us. they give us beautiful, shining examples of how to be a good muslim. they dont focus on whats wrong with you. yet in a very subtle way, they make you want more. you want to be more like them because they are positive role models, in shaa Allah!!!!!

im not here to insult anyone or start an argument......i am speaking my mind. these are my thoughts and they are sincere.

**disclaimer - i want to say that i dont mean any insult by saying im not arab or asian. i am only an american and cant be any other nationality. so no offense intended. i love my people around the world!

not sure when, but very soon

2011-12-21T18:38:00.000-08:00

im not quite sure when but ill delete this blog soon. it no longer serves a purpose for me.

just sayin

what ive learned

2011-11-30T10:08:00.001-08:00

after several years of being a christian turned muslim, one of the things that ive learned the hard way is that you are much celebrated upon saying shahada. much to do. another one in the bag.

....then

silence.

welcome sister. how are you sister. alhamdulillah sister.

yet when you ask for guidance and education.

you

hear

crickets.

yes yes we have the online support. many of which want to offer their own ideas and thoughts. then we have lots and lots of cultural beliefs.

but unless you are very very lucky person and live smack dab in the middle of centers of higher islamic learning youre basically out of luck.

i went through years of begging, writing, calling, emailing, basically pleading for assitance with learning.

attend online classes. ive tried and i fare much better with a real, warm, breathing human in front of or next to me.

i tried to get better islamic education in all manners of places not only for me but my little girl.

i used to learn from my husband but well you know how that went.

i learned A LOT from the imam who used to be at our mosque.

i try to keep learning but its rather irritating separating fact from belief from culture from ideas.

literally years passed and i wrote people i did know, didnt know, people from our mosque, called, explained my predicament...always with the nod and understanding and sympathy...but no action.

bitter?

irritated?

yes i am. oh yes i am.

welcome sister. alhamdulillah and masha Allah that you are now a muslim.

SLAM.....youre on your own now.

lights down....exit stage left

i guess ive nothing to say.

2011-11-14T18:14:00.001-08:00

thats why im not blogging anymore. i realized i talk too much for one thing and everyone in the world does not necessarily want to hear my whining!!!

i even cut out alot on FB.

ive grown very very disappointed in people in general. im happy when i find a genuinely good person but for the rest? well may God go with you.

i pray that my days on earth will be lived to the fullest and that i can remain the good favor with Allah.

and to add to crafty muslimah's post....

2011-09-06T16:15:00.000-07:00

masha Allah to washi at Crafty muslimah for writing such a great post. it really hit home with me. you can read it here http://craftymuslimah.blogspot.com/2011/09/more-holier-than-righteous.html

when i was learning about islam, i had so many "teachers" trying to tell me how to be a good muslim JUST LIKE THEM. and although im an older person, i was a baby when it came to the religion. i thought every last person knew what they were talking about and when i did finally say shahada but didnt turn into a cookie cutter muslim, many of them started telling me how very low my iman is.

what is that? how does a human being have an iman gauge?

but at the time, i really believed them. i really nearly left islam because i thought i was a crap muslim....seriously!

though some born muslims are guilty of this, i started to take notice that it was mostly reverts doing this. and then i started realized that it was almost competition between them to know more than the last sister (or even brother). if i asked a question, someone would answer and it would be a good answer. then 6 more people would come and answer the same question but want to one up it and pretend that no one else had even answered my question already.

the light started clicking on in my head that alot of these people had ugly dispostions and were not exactly being kind when offering their "advice".

had this light not come on for me, i would have either fallen short as a muslim or just forgotten it because i thought i could never quite be what all of the others had become.

some people revert and just fall into place so easily. very natural. and they are caring and loving and write or call to talk with you in private. they would never think to chide you or point out your mistakes in a public forum or any social media.

then some become super scholars and answer questions with the authority of 20 sheikhs (or sheikhas for that matter). these people will nearly run you away from religion in general. they're fearsome people wallahi!!!

ive seen sisters soooooooooo mean to sisters when trying to offer advice and i never hesitate to ask them if they couldnt have written this in private or did they just want to "show" the world that they know alot and that THEY are doing all the right things and surely will make it to jannah!

i spent alot of time beating myself up for thinking i was worst muslim of the millennium. finally some born muslims grabbed me by the collar and said no no no!! do not base your own faith and love for God on humans and what they say. they told me that there are some really poor mannered muslims in the world and to follow my own path and obtain guidance from the Qur'an, Sunnah and speak to my imam or sheikh when i have questions.

it took a while, but i was finally able to work past this and make my own way. and im still making my own way. and anyone worth their own salt will realize that we are forever making our own way! our climb to perfection in islam only stops when we die. we dont ever stop learning, we dont ever stop trying, we dont ever stop asking Allah for forgiveness and guidance.

everyone learns at a different rate though. everyone moves with a different speed. Allah made us all different and it takes each of us to make the world go round.

had i continued to listen to the shove it down your throat insta scholars, i probably would have fallen. but Alhamdulillah i didnt. if you can find someone from the ummah who truly is knowledgeable AND has your best interest at heart, then its wonderful! we have to be truly careful who we let mold us into something so important!

we need to be more caring with each other and stop being impatient and judgemental with each other. we need to stop backbiting and finger pointing with others that may be needing guidance and love.

easier said than done i know. and i also know there will always be insta scholars who will make you feel just like that teacher in the picture at the beginning of the post....but we also need to know that there ARE people who have our best interest at heart.

ok. lets hold hands and sing kumbaya now lol

Eid Mubarak!!

2011-08-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

assalamu alikom fellow bloggers. so we have made it through Ramadan and in shaa Allah we've done our best and Allah will accept our fasts and prayers!! i pray that all of you and your families have had a beautiful day today even if, like me, you had to work!!

sisters, i wrote this reminder on Facebook but i want to write it here also....

if this Ramadan was lonely or you had to work or you just didnt feel it....things will get better. maybe this is your first or your tenth Ramadan, just know that each year you will learn more and feel more and get closer to Allah. we all have a ladder to climb and nothing comes easily, nor does it come the way WE want it but the way Allah wants it! thats it! thats how it is!

how Allah wants it. i know that i have written about my lonliness as a muslim but i feel its my trial as it may be for many.

i also feel that sometimes Allah is giving us gentle nudges, trying to guide us to a better life and we ignore it!!

let's open our eyes, ears and hearts friends and listen to what Allah wants for us instead of us always trying to see the world through our eyes only!!

Allah bless you and keep yours families safe, healthy, happy and strong in iman!

EIDDDDDD MUBARAKKKKKKKK!!!!

i need new ventilation!

2011-08-22T05:50:00.000-07:00

just aggravated. and its Ramadan. and its the hours of fasting here.

astaghfiruallah.

i have a group in Facebook for Ramadan. i open it only at this time of year and the members have multiplied a great deal over the past couple of years, alhamdulillah!

just you know, the more members you have, the more opinion you have and the more things are said that shouldnt be said.

i know ive written about forums in the past and why i dont visit them anymore because of how its a free for all. insults and jabs being thrown left and right. and ive often wondered how the forum admins didnt step in and say ok lets tone it down a bit. freedom of speech is cool but we need a referee now and again.

im saddened to say that its happened a couple of times in this ramadan group. and because i wont let people insult each other or start hot topics like who is a muslim and who is not, i think people think im trying to have it all rosy and sweet.

thats not the case at all, but whats the point of having a ramadan group while youre fasting from food, drink AND THE TONGUE, if youre just going to say whatever pops out of your mouth. let's just stop it from being a Ramadan group and just let it be whatever suits your fancy group.

yes im venting. yes im irritated.

i am trying to keep the peace because thats what works for me. i do not like bickering about religion. it is the WORST thing. bickering amongst each other is even worse to me than non muslims talking about us because well, they just dont know any better.

God help me. i feel like i have explained myself and explained myself and explained myself within the group as to why i dont allow inflammatory posting or topics about who's a kafir and who's not!

side note....i absolutely loathe conversations about kafir. that word is bandied around so easily. i just cringe when i hear it now.

ok....enough. khalas!

ive said what i have to say.

salam

off to breathe now

thanks for my award!!

2011-08-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

thanks sister for my new award even though i havent been blogging as much as i used to!!

2011-07-31T01:55:00.000-07:00

i pray that all of you and your families have a wonderful Ramadan and that Allah accept our fasting and prayers.

RAMADAN MUBARAK!!!

please dont ignore

2011-07-30T07:40:00.001-07:00

how often do we start to read a request for donations for people who are suffering and then ignore it, moving on to the next subject.

if you found out it was the family next door, you may jump up and start to wonder what you can do to help! you couldnt leave your neighbor suffering could you?

well, then please tell me how you leave your FELLOW muslim suffering when you can do something about it.

do you not think of African nation muslims as your brothers and sisters? do we have to look and dress the same to be part of the ummah? no....and part of our ummah is in somalia.

our friend, naz (from the somalianarab princess blog), is half somalian and is pleading for help for this drought and famine stricken country. readers, these people are desperate, not only for themselves but for their children. can you imagine hearing your children crying for a drink of water and you cant even provide that while you watch their little bodies wither away???

ya Allah, we have given and given for the cause of palestine, pakistan et all but we always seem to fall short when its african countries. why is that?

you can google "how to donate to somalia" and you will find numerous ways to donate. you dont have to donate more than you can afford because if enough people donate, it will add up on its on in shaa allah.

we are a nation. Allah is watching us all and we have to stop living just for ourselves, our own little families, our own countries.

imagine if your own little child held his arm out to a stranger for help and the stranger kept walking when any small thing could have helped.

please. please help.

who are you? no, who ARE you?

2011-07-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

ok!

islam has subgroups. we are split as are many other religions though we dont have quite so many splits.

but...who are these certain muslims?

the prejudiced ones?

how does one call themselves a muslim when they dont like muslims who are white, black, hispanic, arabs, asians, male, female, hijabed, non hijabed, niqabied, non niqabied, western clothes wearing, gulf clothing wearing.....the list goes on.

how do you belong to the circle - the UMMAH - of islam and dare to look down at another muslim who you dont like because you are prejudiced??

no seriously? i want to know how you even substantiate such prejucide. and face it folks, there ARE many many prejudiced muslims.

i see whole groups of one race turn their nose up to another race...."we dont like them"...yet they are your fellow muslim.

i see one nationality talk so poorly about the people other countries....."we are better than them"....yet they are your fellow muslim.

i see us having social groups....irish/muslim society, hispanic-american/muslim society, european muslim society, philippino/muslim society. and they gather and they exclude.

i dont like the black muslim, i dont like the khaliji muslim, i dont like the egyptian muslim, i dont like the pakistani muslim, i dont like the bosnian muslim, i dont like the european muslims, i dont like american muslims, i dont like white muslims, i dont like non hispanic muslims.

how did we get to this point????????

the Qur'an says...

O people, We have created you from a male and female and made you into races and tribes so that you may know each other. Indeed the noblest of you in the sight of God are those who are the most pious among you. And Allah knows every thing and is aware of every thing." (49:13)

not only do we dislike jews, christians and every other category....we dont even like each other now!!!

i listen to what people say, i read blogs, i read what people write on FB......and we are filling our minds with hate and dislike and impatience and impudence!! we are bold enough as God fearing people to shout out our dislikes, to roll our eyes, to separate ourselves, to insult ALL three religions of Abraham, pbuh.

do we even like ourselves????

in the words of a great prophet, Jesus of nazereth, pbuh...."love one another as i have loved you"

are you excited? im excited!

2011-06-25T10:17:00.000-07:00

wow, time flies....seriously!! i cannot believe that nearly a year has passed already since last Ramadan! but here we are people, we are quickly approaching the month of Sha'ban! so many people have expressed surprise that Ramadan is nearly here! when i mention it, i get comments like "what??! already??!!!".

well, yes, already. and we have one week until the islamic month of Sha'ban befalls us. its during this time that we have to prepare ourselves spiritually, financially, physically for the next month, our blessed visitor, Ramadan. we need to prepare our minds, our hearts, our homes, our children, our families. we must make up any remaining fasts that were missed from last years Ramadan.

but please remember that the prophet, pbuh, said that many muslims are negligent about Sha'ban. we should spend this month fasting because there are many blessings to be had in Sha'ban. the prophet told us that the fasts during this month in honor of Ramadan are full of merit and that many of our misdeeds are forgiven during this month. its during this month that our deeds are presented to Allah so please brothers and sisters lets gather ourselves during this time and focus on Allah.

so while we are spending this time shopping, cleaning and decorating our homes for Ramadan, lets also honor Sha'ban as this month is the entrance way for the holy month that is due to arrive.

please remember that every second that we postpone these things, we are one step closer to our own end. every second that ticks away is a lost second. seconds lead to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to years. lets not waste our valuable time with unimportant things brothers and sisters.

the world is changing around us. disasters and maladies. hate and crime. and in the middle of all of this is an evergrowing hatred for islam and a new promotion for anti islamic sentiment. we are in critical times and we dont have time for folly.

in Shaa Allah we can get a grip on ourselves and clean our souls.

i believe that every year we are presented with a time that we can repair our minds, souls and hearts. you may say we are presented with that opportunity daily and that is true. but this is the grandest of times. Ramadan. we are human and need this opportunity. this unity.

i am excited for this time of renewal of the soul.

and remember....live this Sha'ban and Ramadan as if you may never have another, in Shaa Allah.

that is my khutbah for today...even though its saturday !!

please i dont have much time left!

2011-06-20T17:06:00.000-07:00

...he pleaded. please let me see my daughter. i dont have much time left in this country.

yes the ex.

firstly, ive never kept her from him.

secondly, i was worried because he was going back to egypt soon to live and then what will happen for my little girl??!!

BUT THEN.

i got a phone call from someone ive not spoken with in several years.

immigration.

are you saying, "hmmm i wonder why immigration was calling jana!!"?

ill be more than happy to tell you why.

he was applying for CITIZENSHIP to the u.s.a

sound like a man who didnt have "much time" left? i dont think so.

they asked lots of questions and said my answers could determine whether he is granted citizenship.

i sat and listened to her and while i was listening, i was thinking to hang him out to dry. ruin his chances of citizenship. tell her he was a green card hunting manipulator who didnt deserve to stay here.

but i thought of my little girl and gave him glowing reviews.

i couldnt wait to get off the phone and write him and let him have it...not much time left before you go home for good to egypt? didnt think immigration would be contacting me did ya?? well you ARE here still using my citizenship! i told him that he didnt deserve any of this but that he was lucky that he has a little girl that is a citizen of this country that loves him.

the lies never stop.

the red dress and friday prayer!!

2011-06-14T14:09:00.000-07:00

i have no idea what triggered this memory but when i remembered it i first was shocked then angry with my muslim husband!!!

when i first converted and still learning the ropes of prayer, especially at the mosque, i wore a dress to prayer on a friday. it was a bright red coat dress that buttoned down the front, had a collar, and a red belt, the bottom flared. it was very reminiscent of the dresses worn by the ladies in the 1950's. it hit right below the knee. i loved this dress. was very fashionable.

but though it was very fashionable, it was also very unislamic in nature and even more inappropriate for prayer especially communal prayer. it was very similar to this one but with a much smaller collar and the buttons down the center from top to bottom.

it was that day that another sister told me she had some prayer clothing for me at home. that gesture angered my dear husband and he told me to tell her we dont need charity. of course i did not tell her that and i did accept the clothing when she brought it.

it didnt take me long to realize how inappropriate this clothing was, but why did i become angry years later???

ill tell you why....how the HELL did my husband let me wear this to the mosque of all places? why did he not say ok jana, you really need to be covered more and just imagine when youre bending over all of your rump is going to be shining!? why was he not more responsible with me, not only as my husband but knowing too that im a revert and needed guidance? how did he let me, a new revert, bend over in front of all of those women in prayer? yes you can say i should have known, that im responsible for myself but i would have guided him had it been the other way around and he became christian. for Gods sake, i guided him on how to live in the usa, he couldnt even say "DONT WEAR THAT DRESS TO THE MOSQUE".

as i said, i dont know what brought that memory back but i just felt embarrassment for myself and also that anger.

at the end of the day, its not even important.........just wanted to spew some venom lol.

before sunrise and a broken heart

2011-06-09T16:26:00.000-07:00

for our dear friend at the Before Sunrise blog...a thousand hugs from all of us. so many of us know how you feel and wish that it wasnt happening to you. please stay strong and know that we are with you and more importantly that Allah is watching over you no matter what happens.

very simple thought

2011-06-01T18:22:00.000-07:00

"Your tongue should not mention the fallacy or deficiency (fault) of others because you yourself are filled with deficiencies & imperfections and know that other people have tongues. And if your eyes show you deficiencies or fallacies in other people then close your eyes and say 'Other people also have eyes'". - [Imam Ash-Shafi']

arnold, rapture and forums!

2011-05-22T05:51:00.001-07:00

what a week! we have arnold divulging his affair with the housekeeper, the end of the world and my return to islamic forums.

i have no thoughts really about arnold to be honest. he has done a pretty good job with staying out of the media...until now. i thought that they had a really tight marriage and family. as i said in one of my last posts, even having tons of money doesnt keep you from having problems (i wont even begin to discuss the lack of morals on both parts)! i do, however, feel a bit bad for maria and the 4 children. how does one feel after so many years when they find out that there is a child. no not a baby, but a FOURTEEN year old??!! how do people keep such secrets for so long? anyway, i know nothing of the details, nor do i really want to know.

the "rapture"....ya Allah. if people had faith in their holy books and God, they wouldnt have feared this day...may 21st, 2011. i wont lie, for a nanosecond, i felt a little twinge of nervousness but i squashed it because i grew up as a christian reading the scriptures from the new testament, matthew 24:36 " But of that day and hour knoweth no [man], no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only."

and then of course, as a muslim i know that there are just too many signs that are yet to come before we can even consider the "end".

i cant help but wonder how the followers of pastor camping feel today. they have to be asking themselves what the heck went wrong.

i have to ask how followers can get to the point that they truly believe that a human can know something of such magnitude?! how does one just start following another human so blindly that they give up their life savings and just cast daily life aside.

these people are waking up today broke, mortgages unpaid, kitchens that were only stocked with food to last until YESTERDAY! what the heck does one do after they discover they have not gone to heaven as they had hoped? that they are still stuck on earth? in Shaa Allah i never ever ever fall prey to such human shortcomings and expectations!

pastor camping is 89 and really doesnt have much time left on this earth but Allahu alim. he needs to take that 80.3 million in donations and give it back to his followers that are left basically penniless so they can get on with life. his churches assets are worth 104 million dollars now. he needs to do the right thing!

forums....."islamic" forums. hmmm. i have written about them before and how i stopped frequenting them because of poor behaviour and fitnah.

i have to say that i have made beautiful friends from a couple of these forums, why islam and islam factor. we've stayed in touch for years now alhamdulillah. i want to add that we, sometimes, dont see eye to eye but as adults, we have learned to reconcile our differences and love each other for the sake of Allah, swt.

ok, after a year or more, i decided to enter this domain once again and see if anything was any different. not even half a day had passed after my initial log in before the fitnah set in. the immaturity that swirls within forums is very unsavory. i dont mean everyone. there are some very decent good hearted people in forums but unfortunately the ones that have acid on their tongues just seem to outweigh the good....

i remembered promptly why i stopped going to forums and decided to make a hasty exit so as not to get caught up in the drama! alhamdulillah for saving me!

ok thats my daily ramble! just having a chat here with a cuppa joe!

blogger.com is eating the comments!

2011-05-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

well tuttie..youre the lucky one it seems! only your comments are left. there were about 7 others that i had intended to answer this weekend that have totally disappeared. i knew blogspot was having probs but my own blog had been unscathed until today!

oh well, im sorry to the ones that commented. i would have loved to have answered you all lol!!

a life less charmed.

2011-05-11T16:17:00.000-07:00

i wonder if this will be considered a self pity post! maybe it is.

i read other's blogs, read other's stories, read wonderful, fun facebook posts. some people seems to have such charmed, blessed lives!!

i often wonder how others were so lucky to find good husbands who take care of them and the family. not just financially but emotionally too. wonderful supportive husbands.

i often wonder how others are so lucky to have a great job that they just love love love.

i often wonder how they have new cars, vacations and still manage to pay their bills.

i often wonder how they have beautiful homes.

i know they have worries and problems still.

but some people just seem to have it all together while i seem to always end up falling apart in some form or fashion.

i wonder if its strictly my fault. am i blemished? am i faulty? or is it simply the path that Allah gave me. the life He gave me. i was not intended to have this charmed blessed life. i was intended to have a life of hardship and struggle.

i am aging and life, once, was easier.

call if weakness if you like, but i fare better when i have a husband to help handle some of the responsiblity and shoulder the burdens.

perhaps i have a bit of mental illness of which im not completely aware.

im boring even myself at this point.

so many gods?

2011-04-30T15:43:00.000-07:00

so many thoughts...where does one start?

barnes and noble..yes barnes and noble.

i bought a book yesterday at barnes and noble called simply RELIGIONS by philip wilkinson. its a very non biased breakdown of the different religions throughout each region of the world.

i had no intention to buy this book, was just something to read while i sipped coffee in the cafe and had a bowl of their potato soup.

..BUT i became engrossed and couldnt stop reading.

i had no idea there were and are so many religions. i liked the way the book really focused equally on the 3 abrahamic religions (judaism, christianity and islam). no one better than the other. then later in the book, it compared similarities between the three. its always good to read FACTS and not opinion.

some of the ideas behind some of the older or less known religons are a bit far fetched at times but one of the things that struck me most was the general idea behind the bigger more well known religions are all the same. we think that other religions have so many gods when in fact it all seems to boil down to many paths that lead to a central God....

i think the baha'i get the idea the best.

they have 3 main principles

1. there is one God and all faiths worship the same God no matter what name they give Him.

2.there is one religion but several faiths leading to that one religion. that all the world's faiths share the same basic spiritiual truths and that all the faiths have been founded by one line of "manifestations" (or prophets) adam, jesus, mohammed, musa, ibrahim, the buddha, baha'u'llah (the prophet of baha'i) etc etc etc

3.there is one humanity. we are all created by God and are members of one worldwide family who are thus divided by their differences.

and the buddha? he gave his followers 4 noble truths

truth #1 ..life is suffering. physical, mental, financial, emotional, personal suffering, disharmony.

truth #2..the cause of this suffering is human desire. humans always desire what they cant have and this causes the suffering.

truth #3..our suffering will end when we are free from worldly desires

truth #4 is a bit tricky...to free ourselves from worldly desires to end our suffering? one must follow the noble eightfold path.

the eightfold path? sounds like some kinda scam yeah? but read on...

a collection of the Buddha's teachings make up that path. and its really quite simple and sounds very very familiar..youll see.

1. right understanding. this simply means that a buddhist must understand the four noble truths that i just mentioned and the nature of existence.

2. right intention...ahhh, we muslims know about intention yeah? well anyway, the right intention indicates that the person must want to changed and rid their minds of negative thoughts and feelings, especially desire.

3. right speech...simple. tell the truth always, do not boast or use foul or vulgar language.

4. right conduct..one's actions must try to be without ego or thought for self. they must be good and moral in order to defeat evil.

5. right occupation..again, very simple and easy. choose a job that is useful and doesnt involve things like bloodshed, armsdealing, slavery or people trafficking.

6. right effort..one must cultiviate self knowledge and self discipline.

7. right mindfulness..one must avoid extremes such as laziness, sloth, doubt, worry, etc.

8. right concentration..this deals with meditation.

buddha asked that his followers (and he only considered himself a teacher, not a god) follow the MIDDLE PATH...again, sounds very familiar.

of course, so many of the religons have other elements that i could never follow such as rebirth et such but i think its important that people understand other religons and to know that so many people are on the same path that they too think is correct.

i find it hard to believe that we can even consider ourselves loving beings if we dont appreciate the world and each others differences.

life is a journey and its ever changing. i pray hard that my eyes nor my mind never shut.

must add my 2 cents!

2011-04-27T02:38:00.000-07:00

no im not a royal watcher but i am happy for these two. i loved princess diana and i was just so troubled by all of the things that happened to her then her untimely death. i wish that she could see her two fine sons. she would be proud.

i wish, especially, that she could see her handsome son get married this week. when i look at william i see diana. he looks so much like her and has her same general demeanor. he even has that "look"...face down, peering upward at people.

but what is capturing my attention and compelling me to write, now, about this matter is the bride...kate, who is now being called catherine (i assume this is more befitting of a princess!) is every woman. i hate to call her a commoner but, well, she is not royalty.

i have to wonder what is going through this young lady's head as she is being prepared to become part of the royal family. it has to be very intoxicating and beyond her wildest dreams. i tried to put myself in her place and imagine having a future king fall in love with me. wow how life would change.

i pray that she and william have a good life without much meddling from the press. i think that william will make sure that kate...catherine...will be protected. he will not let what happened to his mother happen to her.

diana...if youre looking upon them now. be proud of your son. you did a good job of raising him into a decent human being while you were here and fortunately he held onto that!!

march 16

2011-04-26T16:32:00.001-07:00

thats the last day i wrote in this blog! but it seems like ages ago. not much is happening in my neck of the woods. work, home, work, home. then the much awaited weekends just so i dont have go to work. nearly every weekend i go to the cinema! theres nothing better than watching a movie in a dark, quiet theatre with super buttery popcorn! i dont watch tv or movies at home too much, but give me the opportunity to get a movie ticket and im there!!

i feel relatively happy these days even though nothing exciting is happening.

as some of you know, i did befriend my ex on FB but i unfriended him a few days ago after he insulted me royally. the details arent really important.....just know i could have karate chopped him in the neck and not blinked an eye. not very pious of me is it? thats one of the reasons i unfriended him...the fitnah he creates in my life!

anyway, had nothing to say other than salam and hope all is well in your worlds!

who did what to whom?

2011-03-16T00:36:00.000-07:00

sometimes as i sit and ponder on where exactly my marriage went wrong, i ask myself, "am i the wronged party?".

or was she there before me and she considers me the intruder into her marriage?

ive often blamed both my husband and her for ending my marriage. after a while, i started having those little quirks and ticks. that slow dawning of sickening realization crept in and i sat staring at the wall with a stuporous look on my face. OMG...was she the first wife and i had the wherewithal to think i was NUMBER ONE??!!! was she first to suffer? and thinking back over the beginning of our marriage, i do believe i am number two.

oh wait...he still swears he has never had another wife. only me.

whatever.

men certainly know how to screw things up dont they? especially when they get greedy.

trust me, i dont wish ill will on him but that "God dont like ugly" saying is true.

he has always been a healthy, strong guy but in the past year he has suffered so many health problems, dental problems and now he has been laid off from his job and God knows how he is surviving....no, Allah certainly doesnt like ugly. karma can be painful.

some truths about the solo chick

2011-03-12T13:59:00.000-08:00

ya Allah.

time to look at myself in the mirror instead of at everyone else.

im getting old. there i said it. that was the hardest part. i dont have many wrinkles but there are some fine lines there.

i think im perimenopausal (already having a hot flash here and there and they aint fun). in some ways thats a good thing. no more monthly cycles. at the same time, it makes one almost feel like their womanhood and youth are ending. im still on the fence in regards to how i feel about this.'

my face looks haggard as of late. tired looking and i have to chalk it up to the use of narcotic pain relievers that ive been having to take for my foot/heel/tendon pain. they make me feel drained and ugly but i have no choice but to take them at the present time.

the foot pain. the damned damned damned foot pain. when you have problems with your feet, your whole world revolves around that!! they hurt when i sit, lie, stand, walk. that pain, too, is making me feel old. i wish i could have the surgery and get it over with but there are many reasons why im not at the present time. im trying meds, physical therapy, foot splints first. inshallah this will help. please remember me some times when youre making your dua! i dont ask people to pray for me too often, but this time i think i need to do so. the therapy starts monday morning by the way and i have two weeks off from work to give my feet time to heal, inshallah!!

i am FAT. i have gained approx 30 pounds ( 2 stone for you uk peeps) over the past 3 years. yep, after hubby and i broke up i started to eat to ease the pain. then it became a habit. bored? eat! sad? eat. angry? eat. you get the pic. then after elji and i had our time, i ate more because the depression sank in too.

i need to lose weight because i think i will have less pain in my feet and knees. my legs arent used to carrying a baby hippo around! i need to lose weight cause it makes me look like crap. i need to lose weight cause its making me drag around and be lazy too. i can still wear my clothes but theyre tight and you know we muslimah cant do the tight clothing thingy.

the worst thing is my religious obligations. ive slacked as a muslim. i still love our Lord dearly. i still love Islam and cant imagine myself practicing any other religion. but im a slacker. i think its a culmination of all of the problems i mentioned above. no excuse but its true. ive slacked in my prayer (the fard) and being involved with the ummah. so many frustrations with the ummah too. one of the biggest let downs for me was the imam not getting back in touch with me. remember the imam i spoke so highly of and looked for for a really long time and then finding him after eid prayers? i txtd him and told him how much i needed to speak with him....never heard from him.

anyway that is one of the biggest things i need and want to do is get back on point with Allah and my obligations inshallah. we have such a merciful God dont we?

i still yearn for a great group of friends and great masjid. inshallah ill find the great masjid but i want to say that i have found the great group of friends. no not in real life, but here online. i have met some of the most beautiful ladies on this earth right here online. they keep me grounded!!! thank you Allah for that.

i have basically removed myself from life though. i have no goals. i need to get back to school and further my education. i need something to believe in. i am getting older but i am not old old yet. i still have time to do things.

i still absolutely abhor my job. that is one goal i do have and i pray i follow it through. when kylee finishes the second grade in may, i pray to relocate. either just down the road to atlanta or maybe perhaps to san antonio where my sister lives. i know that, amazingly, tx has a great muslim community in many of the cities. lool, you would think that tx wouldnt be a place for muslims but, alhamdulillah, theyre there!! i hear the mosques and schools are great too!! but as i said, atlanta may be an option and there is a large muslim community there too. with nursing its not as simple as looking for a job and then relocating...you have to apply for a license for whatever state you want to go to and its sometimes a lengthy wait.

i am open to other options too...jamilah scoot over sis lol

inshallah one day, kylee and i will make hijra to egypt. that is the goal ultimately. before the revolution started, waleed and i had decided to send her there for a couple of years for schooling and family. that all got knocked out a bit until things become settled.

ok so pretty much...in a nutshell...ive grown into an old, fat, lazy, insipid, bad muslim, job hating lady with terrifically painful feet!!

there!! you have it! thats me laid out for the world to see. now its up to me to clean up that picture cause what im looking at now doesnt look too good.

a short list of things ive taken note of in my short time as a muslim

2011-03-10T04:33:00.001-08:00

the list is short but may grow..beware

1. we converts spend alot of time explaining our actions

as in...

"man that halal turkey was sooooo delicious!"

"hi friends, im off to eat halal hamburgers!!"

hmm. you dont hear too many born muslims saying that. they will just say im off to eat hamburgers. its on you to know that its halal or not. Allah, swt, will already know.

2.we converts really learn things quickly. a born muslim grows up with the religion, yet we say shahada and suddenly we're so learned we could probably teach the born muslims!

YA THINK???!!!

no.

sisters (and some brothers but i note that most of this group are females), use this newly gained knowledge for good. use it to increase your iman. knowledge is a blessing and a gift from Allah, swt. dont use it to just tell others what to do or to play the "i know more than you do" game!!!

now this last thing applies to all of us.

3.i have taken note over the past years that its the same small group of people who point out others faults. that feel the need to exploit the "halal vs haram" rules. they have a police badge that we obviously dont know about. this same small group of people also love to point out people's wrongdoings publicly in forums or social networks.

"ATTENTION ALL PIOUS MUSLIMS....look here at what sister ayisha is doing while at the mall. and she calls herself a muslim?? we ALLLLLL know thats haram!!" i would NEVER do such a thing...look, just LOOK at her!!! how UNMUSLIMY is that??? ya Allah!!""

hmm. thank you mr or miss halal vs haram police person. we will take note of what a bad muslim sister ayisha is because she has hello kitty on her hijab.

now, i used to think that was a random thing. but it started sinking in that its ALWAYS the same few that do that. first, why be judgemental? second, why do you feel the need to draw attention to it? third, why go public with it which (in my humble opinion) doesnt smack of islamic unity or adab either!! if youre sincere, go to sister ayisha yourself and tell her quietly that the hello kitty hijab might be a bit flashy. you dont have to tell a soul that you even talked to her. Allah knows. thats all that matters

on the serious side, i know we are to look out for each other and try remind each other if we see one of us going astray. but there is a way, time and place. complaining loudlly and publicly just aint it!!

but, as i said, its the same same same group of people that do this. they can give you every ayat, every sunnah ruling to let you know that you are WRONG WRONG WRONG, a BAD MUSLIM BAD MUSLIM BAD MUSLIM...yet they dont feel wrong themselves for doing what they do and the way they do it. they do it to shine! they want to let others know that they are pious and God fearing and would never ever evverrr everr evverrrrrr do anything wrong like that sure to be damned sister ayisha. its called LOOK AT ME AND HOW GOOD I AM syndrome.

i am sooooo far from perfect. i have a long road to travel

but Allah, swt, and i stay connected! but i am compassionate and i can see the rights and wrongs but i also see my rights and wrongs and we need to correct our own rights and wrongs before we start telling everyone else how bad they are!!

now that i got all that off my chest, let me drink my coffee

ALERT...A DIRE EMERGENCY!!!

2011-02-26T12:42:00.000-08:00

i need your attention for a very serious matter. and we dont have a lot of time for delays. one of dear sisters, friend and fellow blogger is in a state of emergency. and no im not exaggerating, you will see her name and her sons name of the fundraiser widget so you will know who i am talking about.

after all of these years being separated from her husband and raising their son on her own (with much help from her mom), her husband finally got a home for them in Oklahoma. for days she packed and moved her beautful little boy away from everything he had ever known to build a new life with her husband and his dad. we were all happy for her yet nervous at the same time because we knew the history as many of you do!

happiness was brief as he began to berate and belittle her to their child. argue and fight all of the time. he was calling her names which then led to him taking her cell phone and removing the internet. we only had the occasional update from her onFB and it was obvious that she was writing quickly and nervously. we worried as each day passed and we didnt hear anything..

until today when this came over her FB page

cell no ###_###-#### im going to shelter. m beat me plz call me.

it was a chilling, hair rising cry for help.

i was in a restaurant but picked up cell and called immediately. she was shaky and in tears. the police had come, she was waiting for a taxi to go to a shelter but, alhamdulillah, she was and is safe!!!

sisters...she is one of ours and we cant do anything else with this internet, we can get ourselves together and help a sister (or brother) thats in serious need!!!

i am providing the same widget i used for another sister a while back so that we can raise funds.

the funds that you donate go directly to her paypal account and its very safe and reliable as ive used it many times without any problem. colleen.kuhns@gmail.com is her paypal addy . you can send money directly through paypal this way in case you cant see the widget

please sisters (and or brothers), she needs to get to one of our other sisters in OK who are willing to take her in. so far 3 of them said they would send for her or even come and get her if she wants and she will need to get back to her mother in pennsylvania. she is a sister, friend, fellow blogger...a mother ya allah. and you dont have to be a muslim to chip in, she is a human thats all that matters.

it doesnt matter if you donate 1.oo or 1oo.oo....every bit will help. please copy the widget and post it to your own blogs!!

please make dua for these two and even for her husband who has lost his way.....

jazakallah khair

the promise

2011-02-24T16:11:00.000-08:00

ladies, take heed....do not ever think that you and your husband or future husband are immune from "the promise". the broken promise would be more accurate. im not saying this because im an embittered old woman. im saying it because im an older more seasoned woman who not only hears younger woman saying "well he promised me" a good bit but also because i suffered it myself.

suffered what? what promise?

the promise of there only being one wife...ever.

im not going into it again. ive made my views known.

though its halal, if you feel certain that you couldnt withstand a polygynous marriage, then be smart and put it in your marriage contract even if anyone else makes you feel guilty about it. it could be the man pushing you not to do it, telling you to trust him or it could be other ladies telling you its his right and its halal. of course theyre right, it is HIS life and HIS right and it IS halal but its also YOUR life and YOUR right to be happy and to be an only wife...you only have one life, why be unhappy just so he can be happy? it is one thing to make sacrifices for a marriage, we all must do it, but to sacrifice your entire happiness and per chance the happiness of your children?

im not saying all men will break this promise, im just saying dont just take his word for it because you love him so or dont want to make waves, make it legal and binding! put it in your contract! we never know just how honest a person truly is even if we live with them and we dont know whats truly in their heart.

western men...it is not even legal in our countries. the second, third and fourth wives cant even be made public, no rights, no names for your children, no insurance, no benefits. western second, third or fourth wives, you are cheating yourselves. we are not to break the laws of countries if it doesnt prevent us from worshiping and last time i checked, not having multiple wives doesnt prevent anyone from worshiping properly! POLYGYNY IS NOT OBLIGATORY and making your first wife miserable (if she is such) is not treating your wives equally or fairly and that little stipulation, dear friends, IS obligatory. seems to be an oft ignored command from Allah, swt.

"And if you fear that you cannot act equitably towards orphans, then marry such women as seem good to you, two and three and four; but if you fear that you will not do justice (between them), then (marry) only one or what your right hands possess; this is more proper, that you may not deviate from the right course. "

again.....I KNOW POLYGYNY IS HALAL, ITS GREAT FOR THOSE WHO AGREE TO IT, I HAVE NO QUALMS WITH THE ONES WHO DO IT ACCORDING TO THE COMMANDS OF ISLAM, ITS NONE OF MY BUSINESS WHAT GOES ON IN THE HOUSES OF OTHERS, IF YOU ARE HAPPY WITH IT THEN IM SIMPLY ECSTATIC!! did i leave anything out?

the world is changing yeah?

2011-02-07T05:18:00.001-08:00

things have certainly changed in my world and the bigger world since i wrote a blog post.

my son had a little girl named annalyse on dec 1. now, in my mind i considered myself too young to be a grandmother but i just discovered that someone i know who is in her early 30's is finding that she is soon to be a grandmother so i guess i dont feel so bad. dont get me wrong. i find the little girl wonderful, its just that, in my mind, grandmother = OLD AGE. lol.

ive also become grandmother to 6 kittens. my cat,

midnight who delivered 5 stillborn kittens about 4 months ago, delivered 6 alive and kicking babies on january 8th. they are cute but its time to find them a home and i think i have found a place for each of them inshallah!!

other than those two very important events, i still absolutely hate my job to the point that i find it difficult to go to work. the last time i hated a job this much was approx 15 years ago. i took my children and moved to the beach for a year and worked at a dollar store to get away from the stresses of nursing. i cant and wont do that again (inshallah im a bit wiser) but i do have to find another job.

now on to religious life. im still a muslim (and inshallah will always be) but so dejected i guess. ive grown weary and tired of fighting against the cliques at the mosque. it just never changes. how many times have i said "if there were only other reverts there"? well its true, even though i dont feel like an outsider, i basically am. the only ladies that really include me are the ones that have either lived here for years and years or they are second generation! i tried for the longest to just appreciate the fact that there is a mosque here whereas many people dont even have that luxury, but i feel like im lying to myself. not only do i feel alone but i have to fight for my daughter to get a proper islamic education. she is the only child of a revert in the tiny school and needs more instruction than the other children. they often push her needs to the side or leave her back with the very young children. how do they think i can teach her everything when they dont even offer help or classes anymore for reverts.

learn from the internet you say? i did. i learned alot but one of the biggest lessons ive had from the internet? STAY AWAY FROM IT WHEN YOU REALLY NEED TO LEARN THE TRUTH. most of what you read from the net is OPINION. others opinions and culture interjected into the religion. but dont tell them that! they swear what theyre saying is the truth!!! i dont care to hear anymore opinion.

ive been considering hiring someone to tutor her privately in islam and arabic but then again you have to be careful of the mindset of the person you hire too. its so difficult i swear.

do you remember the beloved imam that i finally found at eid after looking for him for so long? i txted and called and txted and called and never heard from him. i think after that let down, thats when i started feeling a bit dejected. unintentionally i just gave up. closed up. shut up. i know he is busy, he has always been sought after by so many people, mashallah. that speaks volumes for this man. so i dont hold anything against him that he didnt get back in touch with me.

ok..with all this being said. waleed and i had discussed sending our daughter to egypt for islamic education for a year or two. she would have stayed with our family there in the delta. then we decided too that i would go with her so that i could rest and he would take care of our expenses there. was the least he could do after the hell he put us through, i thought! i was actually looking forward to it to be honest. i miss egypt and love egypt.

then waleed was laid off after christmas season and then the revolution in egypt! plans stopped of course and now life is back to same rut.

speaking of egypt, i was terrified when it first started but as each day passed i grew so proud of their bravery. their perseverance! i want to get in the middle and fight with them. may Allah keep them safe and grant them their FREEDOM. its time that criminal step down and take all of his officials with him. i have prayed so hard for them. that each and every one of them can experience life to the fullest. gain work, income and be able to care for their families just like most people do.

man ive talked alot havent i? i think i was going to keep talking but its time to stop. coffee's ready, lol.

so im a versatile blogger?

2011-01-27T15:14:00.000-08:00

thank you my beautiful friend, najwa, for giving me this award!! i love that you thought of me and i love that my gorgeous friend naz got it also!

i have to be brief as my pet chewed through my keyboard cord and im using my online virtual keyboard which takes forever.

7 random things about me ......

1. if there's cheese on my burger i wont eat it. hate the taste of most cheeses.

2. im a nurse by accident. i received a degree in music performance and when i graduated, i was the lead singer in a band. i also traveled with a performance group and we entertained children. i was also the choir director at the catholic church where i was a member. i was also a sunday school teacher and the secretary at our church . after i graduated college , my sil asked me to attend a nursing class with her so i could help her study. i made the presidents list with perfect grades but she did not. she dropped out, i stayed in and thats how i accidentally became a nurse.

3. I WANTED TO BE A NUN!!!!!

4. like najwa, i LOVE coffee and coffee houses! a day rarely passes where i don't have coffee.

5. i twist strands of my hair and can tie it in a knot with one hand. i do this when im super sleepy and sometimes when im nervous. ive done this ever since i had hair ive been told.

6. if i could, i would live in a small cottage in ireland for the rest of my days and rarely, if ever, return to the states.

7. i can swim, skate, draw, sing, play piano, read write and speak spanish (though not fluently anymore), cook, sew, crochet , etc.

thanks najwa..hugs from the states to pk

just uneasy

2010-12-16T18:53:00.001-08:00

salam friends..

i know ive not written for a while but, well, have you ever had so many thoughts in your head that you couldnt put together a good post? you had ideas but you just couldnt make a congruent statement? thats kinda how ive been. dear elisa (beautiful as ever mashallah) reminded me that i need to write but until right now i really couldnt.

today at work, in order to receive our paychecks, we had to attend the company christmas party with was being held on the premises. i didnt so much but i was late coming in and as i entered the room everyone had their heads bowed in prayer. it went something like this...

"thank you jesus, lord and saviour, for being born at this special time of year more than 2000 years ago. you, the son of god, are the reason that we are all gathered here today....can i get an amen from all that believe that jesus is the reason for the season."

i felt such a sense of alarm and though i could still hear his words, i found myself spontaneously saying my shahada silently to myself trying to block out the meaning of his words.

ashadu 'an la ilaha illallah wa ashadu ana muhammadan rasullulah.

i truly felt so uneasy and trapped to be honest. i wanted to walk out but its not like i cant listen to someone elses prayers but when they are praying to jesus as if he is God then i feel odd. not to mention i had to stay to get my paycheck (they were passing them out there).

anyone else have experiences like this and how did you handle it?

happy eid al adha to friends and neighbors!!

2010-11-15T15:44:00.000-08:00

ill leave you with these beautiful pictures!

http://totallycoolpix.com/2010/11/the-haj-a-pilgrimage-to-mecca/

please let me get this off my chest!

2010-11-07T07:43:00.000-08:00

i was talking to a sister yesterday who was having problems with another sister at their masjid. the sister i was talking to is happily married and apparently the other sister wanted to be happily married too....TO HER HUSBAND!! even though the husband wasnt in the market for another wife, this other sister was making it clear that she was willing to be a second wife.

you tell me that this is cool and i might listen but until someone tells me that this is all halal and what not, im not buying it.

most of you know my feelings on this topic anyway, but you tell me how acceptable that is for another woman to approach a married man and want to be a wife to him? unless a man has a strong will, he very well may fall for this when he may not have even been thinking to do this!! even if they did marry, i dont see too much difference between that woman and any random woman just throwing herself on your husband. just because they made it "halal" doesnt mean it IS halal when a woman approaches a man and offers herself.

sisters, is THAT how we operate as muslim ladies?? we're not supposed to be selling ourselves to men! we are not supposed to be approaching men and putting that idea into their heads. it is up to the man and then, and ONLY then, he should be going through another person to find that wife. not seeing her alone. wining and dining her. dating. sound old fashioned? oh well, this is how its supposed to happen.

the sister that i was talking to said that my blood would just boil if i knew the things that go on with muslim women approaching married brothers wanting to be their wives.

are we so desperate? we dont have the time to go through friends, family, the imam or wali to find someone that is actually LOOKING for a wife??????

there may be some of you who think im raving because i dont want to be involved in polygyny anyway. whether thats true or not is beside the point, i dont find this type of aggressive "husband hunting" to be cool.

is it halal to be a homewrecker? and please dont think, even with polygyny being halal, that there is no such thing as a homewrecker in islamic households!!!!!!!!!!!

the visit

2010-11-03T18:52:00.000-07:00

i will not go into much detail here but the ex did come home for a brief visit. initially it was a very tense time for me but turned out to be pleasant actually.

my daughter was exceptionally happy and it was if the past two years melted away and that nothing had ever happened. they spent every second together.

all of my other children were surprisingly happy to see him too. they had held a grudge for the longest but everyone was very forgiving.

he cooked lovely egyptian meals for us which we all had been missing.

no please dont think i went mad and simply forgot all that had happened. but it was a nice visit alhamdulillah.

visitor coming...the ex

2010-10-24T20:06:00.000-07:00

for the first time in over 2 years, the ex is coming back for a visit. he wants to see his daughter.

im happy for her but i dread it more than anything. cant quite put my finger on the reasons but i just know im not looking forward to it and hope its over quickly.

short i know. perhaps ill write more later. im just sleepy now.

my ex on facebook

2010-10-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

my ex has a FB page and asked to be my friend. at first, he scoured my pages trying to snoop. then he started making little snippy, smart remarks toward other people, had something to say about the number of friends i have, etc etc etc.

now he is right behind me in every status, every comment making people think that he adores me and our daughter.

maybe he does but too little too late.

people write me and mention how he chases behind my every comment and how he seems to love me and and and and.

but he makes me so mad. and thats why im venting here in my blog.

especially when he talks about his love for his daughter. yes he loves her. of that i have no doubt. but when he's talking and trying to win the father of the year award, my mind goes back to the day i was working and he was packing every last belonging into his luggage IN FRONT OF HER, walking out of the door, getting into a taxi and leaving for seattle. he has not seen this girl since that day.

i always wonder what a 5 year old child feels when she watches her father pack his bag, yelling and cursing the whole time. i wonder if she wanted to run after him or go with him. just makes my heart ache so badly for her to the point i just want to curse him for what he did.

exhale.................

muslim day atlanta 2010

2010-10-03T06:01:00.000-07:00

assalamu alikom friends.

today is the the 6th annual muslim day gathering at grant park in atlanta!! i really enjoy going just because everything is so, so, so HALAL!! lol.

its the typical event, nasheed, quran competition, vendors, GREAT FOOD, beautiful clothing, hijab, jewelry for sale...prayers!!

but again, i get to see my dear sweet friend kiara. she is an alum from whyislam (like myself) forum. we met a few years ago and have never lost touch. we always see each other at muslim day alhamdulillah.

but this year? i get to meet another sister from whyislam days! courtney!! she found me just a few weeks ago at FB alhamdulillah. she was living up north but recently came back home to the atlanta area. and now we are meeting up at muslim day for the first time.

im THRILLED!!!

can i get an alhamdulillah?? woot woot..................OMG, i swore that i would never say woot woot and look at me now.

salam sister, WAIT! let me get that chair to hit you on the head!!

2010-09-20T03:15:00.000-07:00

why is it when we express views that may be different than what another sister thinks, anger and pushiness erupts and you feel that chair about to swing!

cant we differ in thought without it becoming "my idea is correct and yours is not?" ive long since passed the age of arguing over an idea. as long as we are firm on our beliefs and pillars, we are not always going to think the same. this is one of the reasons i stay away from "islamic" forums.

lol, im too old for the blog crowd i think.

to my sisters and brothers in islam

2010-09-12T13:25:00.000-07:00

let me start with this dua!

i seek refuge by invoking the perfect words of Allah for protection against his wrath and the mischief of His servants and the evil promotings of Satan and against their coming near me.

so many people will say jana! dont worry, muslims have been fought against since the beginning of islam and yes this is true. i know very well what the prophet, pbuh, and the sahaba went through to be able to establish and practice islam and i would never equate our current situation throughout the world to that time.

with that being said, i am asking my american brothers and sisters to take care and precaution. i know i am very outspoken and Allahu alim, my big mouth may get me into hot water one day but inshallah ill never back down for the sake of Allah, swt.

this is not a time to say, oh no one will hurt us because you dont know that. lets not ever forget the "headscarf martyr" marwa sherbini. im sure she never thought she'd be murdered by an islam hating nutjob.

the anti muslim movement in america is reaching a fervor. i cant say that im afraid but i do feel that if it continues escalating there may be some citizens who wont hesitate to segregate us, abuse us, beat us or worse. we've already had the incident with the cabby in nyc. the events of Qur'an burning shows you the mentality of some people.

so please, dont brush it off as "never happening to me" because we dont know. please please be wise. protect yourself and your families from any harm. im not trying to instill fear....just asking you to be watchful.

ummah, this situation does make me nervous as it seems to be the "thing to do" these days. muslim bash. i just pray it doesnt turn into actual human bashing inshallah.

LAA ILAAHA ILLAA HUWA A'LAYHI TAWAKKALTU WA HUWA RABBUL A'RSHIL A'Z'EEM MAA SHAA-ALLAAHU KAANA WA MAA LAM YASHAA LAM YAKUN ASHHADU ANNALLAAHA A'LAA KULLI SHAY-IN QADEER WA ANNALLAAHA QAD AH'AAT'A BIKULLI SHAY-IN ILMAA ALLAAHUMMA INNEE A-O'OD'U BIKA MIN SHARRI NAFSEE WA MIN SHARRI KULLI DAABBATIN ANTA AAKHID'UM BINAAS'IYATIHAA INNA RABBEE A'LAA S'IRAAT'IM MUSTAQEEM

[There is no god save He. I rely on Him. He is the Lord of the great a'rsh. What He wills takes place; and what He does not will does not take place. I bear witness that, verily, Allah, has power over all things: and, verily, Allah encompasses every thing in (His) knowledge, O my Allah, I seek refuge with You from the evil inside me and from the evil of every creature whom You seizes with its forelock. Verily my lord is on the right path]

everything happens in Allah's time!

2010-09-10T12:26:00.000-07:00

how long did i lament about the lack of direction at our mosque, the separtist attitude that was prominent, the loss of a wonderful imam. i had not given up but i had stopped searching locally and had started to look beyond our city for guidance, islamic education, friendship, etc.

but Allah does what He wants when He knows the time is right, when we have suffered our trials and pulled through in one piece.

today was wonderful. magnificent to be exact! my daughter and i headed off to eid prayer and the place was PACKED alhamdulillah!! those beautiful sisters from all over Allah's creations filled every inch of the place dressed in the brightest, most vivid colors! the aroma of savory food filling the air..lol was almost hard to concentrate on the khutbah!! there were so many eid greetings. so many new people.

and

REVERTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lots of them!!!!!!!!!!!! subhanallah. this time it wasnt just my eyes searching for a place to fit in. i already knew so many of the ladies but there were lots of new people here. searching for the right place to sit. lol i recognized myself in the earlier days, standing there trying to figure out what to do. so as i made my way along smooching cheeks and hugging, i made certain to make it to each of them and welcome them so they would not feel alone. i decided to just jump right in and serve food, clean up behind the children, pass out the napkins etc etc etc. not to mention that my daughter and i had on matching colors. i in my red salwar kameez and she in her vivid red dress with huge sash and sparkly things.

but the absolute best part of this day? i read on the website that our old imam was going to deliver the khutbah....yes the imam who gave me my first lessons in islam, yes the imam who showed me the human, gracious side of islam, yes the imam who taught me to love islam and made me want to be a muslim, yes the imam who witnessed my shahada. that same imam was there and i was determined that after all of these months of trying to find him i was going to make my way to him somehow and speak to him. to tell him i was drowning in spiritual depression at times. that i needed help.

after i finished eating and cleaning, i looked outside and spotted him in the middle of approx 100 men. i took a deep breath, grabbed my daughters hand and dove into that crowd. he saw me coming and welcomed me with a huge smile and eid mubarak. ya Allah, i felt like i would just breakdown there and then. i wanted to tell him so many things but i told him i needed to speak to him desperately. he gave me his cell phone number and said he would be here for 2 or 3 weeks before going home to sudan to visit his wife and parents but that he would be back.

the best part of this conversation was finding out that he was returning here to athens, that he had left washington DC and come back here to UGA to finish his graduate studies, alhamdulillah and inshallah. i felt 3 years of stress and worry just melt away at the second he said those words.

if anyone has ever had anyone in their life that was a mentor, someone they respected so much, that taught them everything and made them see life differently, then you understand why this means so much to me...for 3 years ive lived in a spiritual desert since he left. i tried so hard to find him...i prayed to find him. and the last couple of times that he came back as guest imam i couldnt even find him in the vast crowd of men. but this time was different, i was determined. it was now or never and alhamdulillah i took that plunge. this man has such a zest for life, such a huge admiration and devotion to Allah that it oozes from his being. you dont have to wonder where he stands in regards to adoration of Allah.

with that being said and my heart full of happiness, i went back for jumaah prayer. the crowd was small and after prayer while the moms and children went out to all the moon bouncy thinga maboppers, i stayed inside alone...vacumming away the debris from eid prayer. enjoying the solitude and peace in the mosque. though its a small gesture, it was my service to Allah, to clean his mosque where we all stood together earlier today to bow before Him

p.s. our mosque had policemen keeping guard today as stephanie's mosque did. alhamdulillah nothing happened and i pray that nothing will.

Eid mubarak

2010-09-09T23:23:00.000-07:00

i pray that Allah accepts our fasts and even our good intentions when we couldnt fast.

i pray that all of you have a wonderful Eid no matter where you are or no matter who youre with.

i pray that we can strive to keep the spirit of Ramadan in our hearts throughout the year.

eid saeed everyone!

does it ever stop?

2010-09-06T03:08:00.000-07:00

ya salam!! without going into too much detail, does that time of the month EVER STOP?? i thought yesterday ok i can restart my fast tomorrow and get a few more days before eid!

but the biggest thought is that tonight, inshallah, is laylat al qadr!!!

but this morning? nooooooo. i got up early for suhoor/sehri yet here i sit after fajr time sipping coffee before i go to work cause i just cant do it because.....sigh.

inshallah before the day is over.....well, you know ladies.

too personal? but i never spelled it out, now did i?? lol. wink!

you cant help but wonder what people are capable of!

2010-08-27T17:37:00.001-07:00

i read about this in the news this morning and was just stunned at the senseless brutality. the controlling nature of employers. i felt so sad thinking what people go through to try to make money to care for themselves and family back in the home country. how much of this happens and we never even hear.

Doctors remove nails allegedly hammered into maid by employers

Colombo, Sri Lanka (CNN) -- Doctors at a Sri Lankan hospital operated for three hours Friday to remove 18 nails and metal particles allegedly hammered into the arms, legs and forehead of a maid by her Saudi employer.

Dr. Kamal Weeratunga said the surgical team in the southern town of Kamburupitiya pulled nails ranging from about one to three inches from Lahadapurage Daneris Ariyawathie's body. He said doctors have not yet removed four small metal particles embedded in her muscles.

"She is under heavy antibiotics but in a stable condition," Weeratunga said.

Sri Lankan officials, meanwhile, met with Saudi diplomats in Colombo to urge an investigation into the incident.

"It was cruel treatment which should be roundly condemned," said L.K. Ruhunuge of the Sri Lanka Bureau of Foreign Employment.

He said the Sri Lanka government has forwarded to Saudi authorities a detailed report on the incident including statements from Ariyawathie.

Ariyawathie left Sri Lanka on March 25 to work as a housemaid in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia after the bureau registered her as a person obtaining a job from an officially recognized job agency.

She was held down by her employer's wife while the employer hammered the heated nails, Ruhunuge told CNN. She apparently had complained to the couple that she was being overworked, Ruhunuge said.

The nails were hammered into her arms and legs while one was on her forehead, he said.

"Most of the wounds are superficial but five to 10 are somewhat deep," said Dr. Prabath Gajadeera of the Base Hospital. "Luckily, none of the organs is affected. Only nerves and blood vessels are affected."

Ariyawathie, 49, is a mother of two children who were opposed to their mother's journey to Saudi Arabia for work.

Several countries across the Middle East and Asia host significant numbers of migrant domestic workers, ranging from 196,000 in Singapore to about 1.5 million in Saudi Arabia, according to a report published earlier this year by Human Rights Watch.

Many of the domestic workers are poor Asian women from Sri Lanka, Indonesia, India, Bangladesh, the Philippines and Nepal. Widespread abuse has been documented by global human rights groups.

Common complaints include unpaid wages, long working hours with no time for rest, and heavy debt burdens from exorbitant recruitment fees, said the Human Rights Watch report.

Isolation and forced confinement contribute to psychological and physical abuse, sexual violence, forced labor, and trafficking, the report said. The abuse often goes unchecked because of a lack of government regulation and protective laws.

Ruhunuge said the registration of the local job agency that placed Ariyawathie has been cancelled.

"We have also asked [them] to pay compensation to the victim," he added. "We want to bring those responsible for justice. We are doing our best in this regard," he said.

He said his office was ready to accompany Ariyawathie to Saudi Arabia to testify if a case is brought against her former employers.

Ariyawathie's dream was to one day return to Sri Lanka and build a house with the money she saved.

"We are looking at the possibility of helping her to do this," Ruhunuge said.

Karu Jayasuriya, deputy leader of the main opposition United National Party, visited Ariyawathie in the hospital and said he was appalled.

"We want the government to raise this issue at the highest levels with the Saudi government. We cannot imagine that such crude and uncivilized things are happening to our workers," he said.

Saudi officials were not immediately available for commen

i am just shaken in disbelief.

2010-08-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

this is ahmed sharif. new york city cab driver. his passenger asked if he is a muslim and if he fasts for ramadan. when he answered yes, he was stabbed and slashed across the face.

http://www.ajc.com/news/nation-world/nyc-suspect-believed-to-599328.html

ya Allah!! this is so troubling. i said...we worry about what we will wear tomorrow, what we'll have for dinner, if we are cute with this color hijab yet we leave our brothers and sisters wide open to such evilness!!

i am sickened. sickened by this.

wake up those of you who are still sleeping through this. do you see now that our lives are at stake? do you think our dear egyptian sister that was living in germany thought she was going to die at the hands of someone who hated her islam that day? none of us know when any of us, or WORSE, a family member could be attacked for wearing a hijab, a kufi, holding a qur'an, going to a masjid or simply being a muslim.

Oh Allah, distance our sins [ma'seeya] from our obedience to You that will lead us to paradise; and indeed from certainty in faith [yaqeen] comes difficulty in the life of this world [dunyaa]

And bless us our hearing, and our sight, and our faculties, as long as You allow us to live; and make them protectors for us against the transgressions we have committed; and make us victorious over our enemies; and do not allow us to have problems in our deen; and do not allow us to make the life of this world our greatest concern; and remove from us difficulty in attaining knowledge; and do not make hellfire our destination; and make jannah our home; and do not impose upon us, because of our sins, people who lack mercy and do not fear You (as authorities over us)

by Your mercy, oh the Most Merciful of those who show mercy

Oh Allah, preserve us with steadfastness in Islam while we're standing; and preserve us in Islam while we're sitting; and preserve us in Islam while we're sleeping

we cant even agree.

2010-08-24T16:39:00.001-07:00

american and european muslims are in trouble. european muslims have been under the gun in a handful of countries for the past few years with the banning of minarets in some places, no adhan allowed in some places, no niqab allowed in some places, no hijab in many places.

in america, we are just beginning another phase of hatred toward muslims. so many of us are writing about the mosque being built NEAR not on ground zero. a neighborhood teeming with islamic businesses that no one even noticed until all the hoopla was started by another blogger named pam geller.

there is a hug onslaught of hate filled videos, protests, emails, tweets, no more mosques built in america petitions, right to hunt and kill terrorist cards etcccccccccccccccccc and its not going to stop anytime soon.

we are asked with sneers why we "moderate muslims" (thats for you sis umm aaminah!) dont speak out. well we do, you dont hear is the problem. you already have the answer you want in your head so what we say has no bearing.

but

too many muslims sit at home and let others do the talking, the interfaith dinners, the explaining. too many of us are not defending our right to worship freely here in america. what will you do when you can no longer go to your neighborhood mosque because its been closed. speak out then? may Allah help us all.

but how can we convene as an ummah when we cant even agree on whats important about islam? how do we fight peacefully against a forboding enemy when we are bickering and snarling amongst ourselves?

how do we fight for our rights when we dont all have the same beliefs? when we all dont believe in islam 100%. when we question what Allah has given us in His book? how do we convince nations that we have as much right as they do when we question islam constantly?

if our convictions are not strong....how do we stay strong against an enemy?

we had better prepare ourselves because unless youre burying your head under your pillow and turning that blind eye to whats going on, we have to understand this battle will not be easy.

In the name of Allah, with Allah, from Allah, unto Allah, and in the way of Allah: O Allah, I surrender myself to You, I direct myself towards You, I entrust my affairs to You, so keep me safe, with the preservation of belief, from in front of me, from behind me, from my right side, from my left side, from above me, from below me, and repel (evil) from me with Your strength and power, because, verily, there isno strength and no power save with Allah, the high, the great.

do i have the right to be angry?

2010-08-22T13:27:00.001-07:00

whether i do or not, i feel a bit angry. not to the point that i want to confront people but enough that i want to change my surroudings!

how many times have i written about the lack of support at my local masjid. for that matter how many times have reverts in general written about this same subject.

it is tiring! and it has gone on for so long that i feel myself not feeling sadness anymore but anger. no not volatile anger so dont get me wrong and tell me i need therapy.

ive tried so many times to make this small masjid my home.

but it turns out the same no matter what is going on!

i am not unwelcome by any means but neither is my welcome long lasting.

i am given the greetings and a bit of small talk but eventually everyone goes back to arabic, urdu, somali everything but english, huddling in their groups. and i sit and wait. hoping someone remembers im there!!

i do try to mingle but its never long lasting. ive prayed so many times that another revert will show up. they do from time to time and its like finding water after being stranded in a desert for a long time but they dont stay for long!

i still dont get the bulletins regarding events at the masjid or school like the rest of the sisters do because i dont have a husband anymore that is privvy to ALL the goings on in the masjid.

trust me sisters, the masjid is a man's world. dont fool yourself. they control it all.

i end up missing alot of things there because no none keeps up with the website. there are still announcements on our website announcing when SUMMER school will start!!

the worse thing, and yes ive complained of this before, but there are no classes there for adults anymore. why? because everyone is a born muslim and no one needs to take any classes they think.

the imam that nurtured my knowledge left a year and a half ago and that ended all of his glorious classes to increase knowledge in islam and arabic classes.

the place is dead for reverts who need more!

ive written the imam an email and told him of how isolated i feel. how i feel i am drowning sometimes as a muslim. but he never wrote back. one day, a friend from our masjid who has moved to saudia came online at FB...he asked me how i was doing and i spilled my frustrations and sadness on him. he talked to me for a long time and even tried to reach our imam that moved away by cell phone....not a working number.

he fired off a letter to the heads of the masjid telling them that i am the only revert there and that they need to provide for me.

no response. this was maybe 3 weeks ago.

i look at pictures here on FB of other sisters and their beautiful friends at their masjids. i look at gatherings at other mosques and i just feel so empty and wish wish wish and ask ask ask Allah for a bit of that connection.

ive just become so irritated, so disenchanted. i know the sisters here and when we see each other in public its very nice. conversation but then at the masjid its back to square one....they in their groups, me in my corner. i guess thats why im still the solo muslimah.

Astagfiruallah

dear najwa

2010-08-16T17:40:00.000-07:00

dear najwa,

i just wanted to let you know that you are one of the brightest, smartest, happiest, most interesting, optimistic girls ive known here in blogdom and in fact the "real world". your posts are so happy for the most part and always interesting. i love to read about what you are doing.

and you know i love your clothes lol!!!

just wanted you to know

jana

( here's her blog link http://najwapervin.blogspot.com/ )

a thought....is eid al fitr for everyone?

2010-08-14T18:52:00.000-07:00

Eid al Fitr ! broken down it means festivity to break fast. a huge festive time that Allah has given us to pat ourselves on the back for completing the fast, for praying, for doing so well for His sake! for the 30 days prior to eid, we were arduous in dhikr, prayer, fasting. really really focused on Allah and what he wants from us. struggling to do better, to be a better person with hopes that Allah will be merciful and wipe away our sins.

but what about the sane, healthy, fully capable person who doesnt fast? maybe he is lazy, maybe he just doesnt "feel" like it, maybe outwardly he pretends to fast but sneaks to eat and drink while no one is looking, maybe he doesnt think that fasting is really all its cracked up to be or not so important, maybe he just doesnt have the willpower.

is Eid for that person too? he is mingling and celebrating with everyone else, smiling and laughing. yet he knows that he didnt fast.

is Eid for the general muslim population? good, bad and ugly? or really for the ones who took this time seriously and stayed on task?

inshallah you know me enough by now to know i dont judge other's actions, but i was thinking about this and just wondering aloud in blogdom.

of course i wouldnt expect there to be a ticket taker with a questionnare greeting the early morning eid worshippers at the prayer hall, asking if we indeed fasted or not before being allowed to enter.

but how do we feel, if we are healthy, sane and generally fit all qualifications to be able to fast, yet we dont and still engage in the revelry?

any thoughts?

in my innocence regarding muslims........!!!

2010-08-09T21:46:00.000-07:00

for those of you who have followed my blog since its meager beginnings, you already know that Ramadan and Eid are generally a tough time for me since im not surrounded by a muslim family, except my daughter, nor do i have very many "real world" muslim friends.

i try to eradicate that lonliness by creating a festive atmosphere in my home as much as possible and i never let my daughter feel this sinking feeling i have at times.

i also have what has become known as the Ramadan buddy program. i started it a few years ago at why islam forum then i took it with me to another forum. it was pretty successful. the premise was that interested parties signed up before Ramadan, then with careful consideration, i would pair them. usually a more experienced revert or born muslim with a new muslim. or perhaps a muslim with a non muslim who was interested in knowing more about islam/ramadan.

i have now taken it with me to Facebook as i dont frequent forums anymore. i know ive already written about it here and its not the reason i write now. i was prefacing my post with an explanation of my already quiet and somewhat lonely Ramadans and eids.

now..the post itself.

yes its a lonely time.

but this year i add a bit of bittersweet to the loneliness. you see, dear readers and friends. i was supposed to be married before this Ramadan.

and many many of you know that too. you know the rotten, crappy story.

i was so happy. in my innocence, i believed that i was going to start experiencing lovely Ramadans and even better Eids with a huge loving muslim family.....my new husbands family.

in my innocence, i thought that muslims were super human. and ive written about this before too.

in my innocence, i truly thought that muslims welcomed other muslims. that we were brother and sister in the true sense of a glorious ummah.

how i awaited the day that i could join his family. i dreamed of them welcoming me, inshallah, just maybe welcoming me one day in the future for iftars, eid prayer.

it was wonderful enough that i thought i was going to marry someone that made me feel human and whole but you see, he had this big lovely family. a large muslim family....and i was going to be part of it one day.

i couldnt wait!! i was the kid in the candy shop.

in my innocence, i loved them without even meeting them!!!!

but that dream was destroyed.

that dream of experiencing loud, bustling, kids crying, laughing,big shiny , happy iftars and sehris died a sudden traumatic death.

that big lovely muslim family. that same muslim family hated me. they killed my dream. they killed his dream. they killed us. they took my bustling ramadans and festive eids.

they took my breath.

in my innocence, i was blind.

i write this with the heaviest heart.

they robbed my faith in the ummah and of welcoming each other.

ive no innocence left.

astaghfirullah.

Ramadan Kareem friends!

2010-08-09T07:00:00.000-07:00

assalamu alikom,

the time has approached so quickly hasnt it? inshallah, Ramadan will start on aug 11th, after the sighting of the crescent moon!!

the time is so exciting isnt it?

it truly is.

i pray that we all fast and abstain from haram ways successfully. lets all pray for the ummah, that we are able to achieve spiritual greatness and that Allah is merciful with us all.

salam

did i ever tell you that i love all of you?

2010-08-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

ive grown to know so many blogging sisters. some longer than others of course, but i feel like i know so many of you and i guess in a way, i DO know many of you just like you feel like you know me!!

in the blogging world, we reveal more of ourselves. our most intimate thoughts. we share our fears, hopes, desires, devastations. we tell things we dont tell our friends, our family, our husbands or children.

i go through agony with some of you, irritation with some of you, loving friendship with ALL of you.

most of us, in this particular genre of blogdom, have the greatest thing in common...ISLAM, alhamdulillah, and i think that makes us a bit closer too because we are, after all, an ummah.

so if i didnt tell you all, i do love you all for the sake of Allah

if you only knew what my heart yearns for.

2010-08-03T18:58:00.000-07:00

my great great grandparents immigrated to the united states from ireland after the potato famine where they settled in the southern states.

i used to sit by my grandmother and hold her hand as she told me how her great grandfather had eloped with his sweetheart. he put a ladder to her window and they rode off on horseback living happily ever after.

elijah finney was his name and he married sally barron. they had a whole lot of daughters and all had the middle name ann.

and all of those daughters had mean tempers which was passed on to my grandmother, my mother and all of my sisters lol.

my grandmother, who i affectionately called mama, used to say it was our irish temper.

i loved my grandmother so much. she was so short and had a dowager hump. she used to tell me that she developed that hump from taking care of her husband who had had a stroke later in his life. i never even knew her husband because he died before i was born.

his name was tab and had i been a boy, my mother informed me that would have been my name too.

Tab...i would have gone through life as tab.

my grandmother always wanted to go to ireland but she never went. instead i learned irish fairy tales and irish songs. and i would sit and rub her hand and arm while i told her the stories and sang the songs for her.

she lived to be nearly 100 years old. she was so sassy and drank half a dr pepper everyday. she died while i was away at college.

she left a legacy with me though. the love and yearning to go back home. back to ireland. growing up i bought book after book with pictures and tales of ireland. i wanted to know every minute detail of anything mr elijah finney had ever said about his homeland....our homeland.

ive traveled all over the world yet never to ireland and i have no answer why not. it runs through my veins. that itch. that yearning. the desire to lay my hands on irish soil. to lie in a field of green and stare up at the sky.

for the past few years, ive thought to leave the states behind. go home to live and then die in my great great grandfathers country that ive never known but loved so dearly.

inshallah i will..inshallah i can.

this is not that important, just a friendly blogging reminder.

2010-08-01T18:49:00.000-07:00

i went through my blogroll and there are so many that have either gone private or are just not in existence anymore. so i deleted the ones that are not there anymore!!

anywho...just a reminder to go through yours and do some cleaning!!

has anyone heard from Queen lately?

2010-07-31T20:01:00.000-07:00

she has not blogged since early june...anyone know anything?

i miss you queen...i really do :(

keep it rolling

2010-07-29T17:57:00.000-07:00

sisters, i am really happy with the number of ladies who have turned out for iRamadan. so many of us need support in one way or another during Ramadan and Eid and they are finding it at our Facebook support group!!

sisters, being a muslim is not a general location anymore as was the norm years ago. we are spread out far and wide subhanallah!! but that also leads to the situations that we have been discussing....lack of muslim sisterhood.

someone in egypt or pakistan may scratch their heads in wonder about all of this but when you live in a country where being a muslim is not common, you may find yourself not having any connection with other muslims which leads to isolation, lonliness and sometimes just leaving islam behind and falling back in with your old ways.

we dont want this happening at all inshallah! i know we cant reach everyone but we can do our role!

i am pleased that ive been receiving requests from my blog readers!!! that has made me feel great to know that my blog actually is serving a purpose and not just a page where a nutcase rambles!!!

so ladies..please keep it rolling. bring your muslim sisters. lets do what we can to mend some of the kinds in Allah's ummah.

"And hold fast, all of you together, to the Rope of Allâh (i.e. this Qur'ân), and be not divided among yourselves, and remember Allâh's Favour on you, for you were enemies one to another but He joined your hearts together, so that, by His Grace, you became brethren (in Islâmic Faith), and you were on the brink of a pit of Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus Allâh makes His Ayât (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.,) clear to you, that you may be guided."

Q.3:105

we are so excited at Facebook, alhamdulillah!!

2010-07-27T09:51:00.000-07:00

if you have a Facebook account, tonight is the opening of a little group effort i created (my old mind never stops ticking) for muslimahs called iRamadan. i cant take credit for the name. one of my admins came up with it.

but anywayyyyy, this is what its all about.

so many of us bloggers, friends, forum members know each other, each others friends, know of another friend, etc etc etc. and FB is a great meeting place for all of us.

now a problem that ive discussed over and over again in blogdom and forum worlds is the fact that Ramadan can be hard for some born muslims and reverts for a variety of reasons.

relocation can cause lifelong muslims to have no family around to have iftar, attend prayer at the masjid.

reverts may have NO ONE at all in their family and friends thats a muslim which can cause a variety of problems too.

they have no encouragment to fast, they may not have the stamina to fast, they may not know the fiqh of fasting and other parts of Ramadan. many people may be embarrassed to ask questions and try to figure it out themselves or just forget it.

many reverts have to hide their islam from family therefore fasting is out of the question for them lest they be questioned (may seem trivial to you but its not to them Allahu alim)

reverts may not have a soul with which to break bread daily after an arduous day of fasting.

some reverts arent sure what theyre supposed to "do" to celebrate Eid al Fitr or what it all means.

a huge problem is just the lonliness. how many ladies have written me and said they are so alone during this time. and bloggers, i dont mean just reverts. you would be astounded at the number of born muslims who have no one around at this time, whatever the cause.

iRamadan's purpose is to hopefully alleviate some of the loneliness, some of the need for more education, some companionship, support for difficulty in fast, etc etc etc.

the group is private but the only requirements are....1. you MUST be a woman. 2. you must be a muslim or someone that has a genuine interest in knowing more and possibly wishing to be a muslim in the future. 3. you have to have a facebook profile.

outsiders cant read what we're talking about.

sooooo. if you meet those requirements, then come on!! it opens to the invitees and requests at 8pm est tonight 7/27/2010 and will remain open throughout eid al fitr and possibly beyond!

the admins are me, bintul jannah, ameera rahim, jamilah zabarth and safaa sofyane.

after youre in, you can invite your friends also!!

remember its called

iRamadan and its at Facebook.

salam and welcome Ramadan.

by the way if you click on my facebook widged here on my blog, it will tell you page not found if youre not already a friend, but you can see my email address there. just request friendship and we will be all systems go!!!

a tale of two muslims and the awe they inspire.

2010-07-25T16:56:00.000-07:00

islam is beautiful. and there are glorious muslims, past and present,who inspire me to want to be like them.

for me, the past is abu bakr. after the prophet, pbuh, he is absolutely the one that fills me with admiration and awe. how he worshipped Allah. how readily he devoted himself to islam without question when his friend, Mohammed (pbuh) told him about the news! and was so generous that he gave away his fortune to help others. he was also a devoted friend to the prophet, staying at his side no matter what. when the prophet died, abu bakr delivered his most memorable speech...“O People! If Muhammad is the sole object of your adoration, then know that he is dead. But if it is Allah (The One God) you Worshiped, then know that He does not die.” he was our first caliph and he had the honor of being buried beside his friend, the last prophet of Allah.

the present? ive written about this particular man many times. he is the imam who taught me islam. who let me see that islam is wonderful and kind. that muslims are normal and not some scary characters that fly into buildings. he was the imam at our little mosque. i just wanted to know what islam was about and whether he knows it or not, he led the way for me. Allah and he worked hand in hand and opened so many doors that had never been opened before. he was a student of al azhar in egypt and as a teacher, he was knowledgeable, patient. he gave of himself. he laughed. he never grew tired of my many questions (at least i dont think he did lol). i had no interest in actually being a muslim, oh heck no..just wanted to know what it was all about and to understand my husband a bit better. but after years of being under his tutelage and listening to his wonderful khutbahs each friday, i was sold. he made sure i had everything i needed spiritually. when i needed an ear he listened. he counseled my husband and me once. talk about the voice of reason and logic and at the end of the day everything being for Allah. he did not let me walk the path of islam alone and he was the one that i wrote about on the day i said my shahada! it was after his khutbah, my husband had told him i wanted to say shahada after jumaah prayer. i heard him making an announcement after pray about someone wanting to say shahada and i was thinking wow there are TWO of us?? but it was me. he called me into the next room. it was filled with the males that had poured in to witness. on the other side were the ladies pushing into the room because they too wanted to be a part. i said shahada with allahu akbar ringing repeatedly throughout the mosque.

i am in tears writing this. it was one of the single most important and wonderful days of my life subhanallah!. he was part of that day and in a big way, responsible for that day. i dont know if i ever told him.

he left you see. went away to washington d.c. he is also a university professor. i felt part of me die when he left because after that, there were no more classes for reverts, no more beloved imam and confidant. he comes back for eid prayers and such. its always a blessing to have him here.

that is my tale of two muslims.

i pray, inshallah, i havent bored you.

to help a sister in need

2010-07-23T17:15:00.000-07:00

i know so many of us are need of help at one time or another in our lives and we always wish we just had someone to help us out.

there have been times that i wished someone would just hand me 20 dollars and i would have felt so rich!

our dear sister and friend Safa/Sharon rigby is in dire need right now.

so many of us followed her blog between obligation, conscience, beliefs and desire as she raised her children in her husbands native egypt while he stayed behind in canada subsequently marrying another woman secretly. he refused to allow her back home to her native canada. while pregnant with her 5th child and only son, she began to dream of going home to her own family and not without her children. with the help of blog friends all over the world, the money was raised for passports and airline tickets. all of this done in harrowing secrecy. we all held our breath until she safely landed on canadian soil with all children in tow!!

he refused to take care of them emotionally or financially unless they go back to egypt which they refused to do. with the help of God she has made it by herself in canada.

we all know how hard it is to take care of a family and how much harder it is when youre going it alone!! but through blood sweat and tears she is doing it!!

yet now, after relocating her family to a better location, she is struggling royally and needs help. no she didnt ask for a thing, but SISTERS, we need to help each other when we are down. not step over and keep walking.

you may find yourself on the opposite end one day and in need of help and Allah may say "remember when you had the opportunity to help another and you didnt?"

we have to uphold each other ladies. help and support. you can donate a little or a lot. its up to you. it all adds up and youll receive Allah's grace and blessings for it inshallah.

please please please ladies...this money does not go to me then her. it goes directly into her paypal.

inshallah ladies

for the newest muslimahs..eid gift giving.

2010-07-21T17:57:00.001-07:00

ive written about this before so i'll make it brief. i was one of those that had a very difficult time giving up my personal connection with holidays such as christmas et al. if you have children, its even harder.

if you happen to be like this and dread the time when christmas comes and wondering what to do about giving your child gifts at christmas or not, take this time to start to think what to do for your children for eid al fitr, which will be here before you know it.

if you started shopping, putting on layaway whatever in advance for christmas, do it now for eid! you have to start at some point changing how your children think too and let them see that it will be no different...just a different holiday that belongs to all of you now.

trust me, for many and probably most, it is not an easy transition and took me 2 or 3 years. i do not go overboard for eid al fitr like many do for christmas, but i do make it a celebratory time. decorate for the feast, use lights, make wonderful halal meals. make it a grand time for your family and develop new ramadan/eid traditions for your family.

i also want to remind newer muslims who dont have anyone to help them, if you have any questions...you can write to any of us that have blogs if you are shy or embarrassed to ask questions. many people ask what youre supposed to "do" during ramadan and/or eid al fitr. we've all been there in the beginning. so write to us. my comments are moderated so if you have a private question, tell me not to post it and your wish is my command. my email address is on my blog page!!! you can also reach me at Facebook!!!

any sisters willing to help newer sisters or even brothers and want to offer help please leave a comment and ill post it.

i'd like to add this beautiful ramadan poem from Rumi

Rumi on Ramadan

O moon-faced Beloved,
the month of Ramadan has arrived
Cover the table
and open the path of praise.

O fickle busybody,
it’s time to change your ways.
Can you see the one who’s selling the halvah
how long will it be the halvah you desire?

Just a glimpse of the halvah-maker
has made you so sweet even honey says,
“I’ll put myself beneath your feet, like soil;
I’ll worship at your shrine.”

Your chick frets within the egg
with all your eating and choking.
Break out of your shell that your wings may grow.
Let yourself fly.

The lips of the Master are parched
from calling the Beloved.
The sound of your call resounds
through the horn of your empty belly.

Let nothing be inside of you.
Be empty: give your lips to the lips of the reed.
When like a reed you fill with His breath,
then you’ll taste sweetness.

Sweetness is hidden in the Breath
that fills the reed.
Be like Mary – by that sweet breath
a child grew within her.

- Rumi

ramadan 2010

2010-07-18T13:43:00.000-07:00

its nearly here as we all know. are many of you preparing yourselves physically and spiritually? if not, we all have to if we are serious about our adoration of Allah.

there are so many ways to prepare yourselves. remember the month that we are in now is sha'ban.

we should be honoring the arrival of the blessed month by fasting and praying more during sha'ban.

the prophet, pbuh, was asked which fast was most meritorious after ramadan fasts and he answered, "Fasts of Shaban in honor of Ramadan."

The blessed companion Usama ibn Zaid, Radi-Allahu anhu, reports that he asked Prophet Muhammad, Sall-Allahu alayhi wa sallam: "Messenger of Allah, I have seen you fasting in the month of Sha'ban so frequently that I have never seen you fasting in any other month." Prophet Muhammad, Sall-Allahu alayhi wa sallam, replied: "That (Sha'ban) is a month between Rajab and Ramadan which is neglected by many people. And it is a month in which an account of the deeds (of human beings) is presented before the Lord of the universe, so, I wish that my deeds be presented at a time when I am in a state of fasting."

but the prophet, pbuh, also warned us not to fast during sha'ban unless we are capable IF it will cause us to miss fasting during ramadan.

also do not forget LAYLATUL BARA'AH..the night of freedom from fire which is coming up quickly. this night usually falls between the 14th and 15th.

tradition says that Allah Almighty descends (in a manner He best knows it) in the night occurring in the middle of Sha'ban and forgives a large number of people more than the number of the fibers on the sheep of the tribe, Kalb.

what do you do during this night? you should stay awake as much as possible during laylatul-bara'ah spending it in prayer and worship. if you cant, for whatever reason, stay up the entire night its best to stay up the last half of the night before fajr prayer with salah, reciting Qur'an, dhikr and dua.

remember its coming soon as today is 6 sha'ban.

im going to address this next part to the ladies since most of my readers are women, so..

LADIES.

none of us are perfect. even the ones who spend their time as self appointed islamic patrollers. each and every one of us sins intentionally or not. i see blogs that are owned by muslims and many are WICKED to each other.

this is the perfect time to stop the nastiness toward one another. stop criticizing. stop backstabbing. Ask Allah to forgive u for the way youve treated other muslims....for the way youve treated anyone for that matter. muslims are not the only people on earth who deserve human and fair treatment. dont believe the hype.

stop leaving nasty comments on each other's blogs whether you do it openly or anonymously. be a better person. think back to how youve treated other muslims. just because you deem another person not such a good person doesnt mean you have the right to be cruel, hateful or their judge. you are the one who will pay for that action in the end and the other muslim will take your share of blessings!!

pick yourself up now. we should be good all the time, but we are not. we are human and not perfect nor will we ever be. but with the event of sha'ban rolling in then ramadan next, we need to really get ourselves together. and i am talking to myself too. pray if you are not praying, wear modest clothing if you are not, make dhikr, dua, stop being mean to each other, stop making snide remarks, stop any and everything you are doing that will be displeasing to Allah.

stop now.TODAY as soon as you read this. let us start to honor ramadan by honoring sha'ban which all leads to honoring and worshipping Allah.

ameen.

reflections

2010-07-09T17:26:00.000-07:00

...........i am not looking for sympathy, advice or hugs.

now that ive gotten that out of the way, ill speak.

with the event of one of my revert friends getting married, i feel a bit sad.

she was married to a non muslim and she left him.

then she had the good fortune to find a wonderful muslim man to go through life with.

i always miss him anyway. the man i wanted to marry. so terribly much that i just sink at times.

he was an incredible influence on me islamically. taught me so much. i miss those lessons. i miss learning and dreaming and hoping.

i thought i had a wonderful chance at a good life with a man who loves, hear me, truly LOVES Allah.

i doubt ill ever find anyone and even if i did he will never be elji.

i wish

things could have been different.

do you ever find yourself afraid?

2010-07-08T17:55:00.000-07:00

of being attacked because youre a muslim?

of your family being hurt by islamaphobes?

when mosques are burned and we're under attack for the sins of others?

if you answer yes to any of them, do you think our fears are rational? these days, do you think we have real reason to worry? is it all in our minds? are we paranoid? or is the hatred of muslims and islam on the rise and we need to keep ourselves safe?

i dont really need to write a commentary do i?

2010-07-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

http://www.wsbtv.com/news/24153075/detail.html

http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/local/news-article.aspx?storyid=155937&catid=3

why do we?

2010-07-04T19:09:00.001-07:00

abstain from pork but we dont even pray?

wear hijab but we gossip?

pray but commit adultery?

travel to mecca but dont fast during ramadan?

fast ramadan but reveal our husbands sins?

worst of all, why do we condemn others for eating pork, listening to music, not wearing hijab, not praying, not fasting when none of us are perfect. we each have our own faults to deal with.

get the idea?

ants in my pants!!!!

2010-07-03T17:07:00.000-07:00

many of my younger friends here may not quite get it, but i am going to see sir paul mccartney in concert july 28th!!

you cannot begin to imagine the depth of my excitement. when i say i have ants in my pants i truly mean i am giddy, antsy and like a little kid waiting for his candy!!

i grew up listening to the beatles. i know very well that i may get the islam and music thing here or there, but Allah forgive me if im wrong, but i cannot wait to go and listen to this man sing live.

when i listened to the beatles years ago, paul was my favorite (i know he was the fave of most women). even as he aged and continued to write i loved this man. no, still not as much as sting but nearly equal in regards of musical admiration!

listening to the beatles brings back such happy memories of my past. i still listen to the beatles and so do my children. my 7 year old told me not too long ago that i listen to the beatles a bit too much.

only thing better would be if mr lennon could walk out on that stage with him.

forgive my non sensical post but im so excited. just ecstatic.

lol, please be patient with me for the next 3 weeks

raise your hand if you dont support terrorism!

2010-06-27T19:14:00.000-07:00

how many times have we heard people say, "well none of you speak out against muslim terrorists. you need to do something, you need to speak against."

ok.

when we do, it does no good. you dont want to hear it. we try to explain but you have a hundred excuses of why the world hates muslims.

we try to explain that terrorists who commit crimes/sins in the name of God/Allah are not really God fearing people. they are nasty, weak, selfish, ignorant and hate filled.

that is not being a muslim. muslim, AGAIN, means one who submits to God. one who bows to God. so with that being the meaning of muslim, all of us who love God/Allah/Dios/Dieu and submit to Him are muslim (bet that makes you cringe doesnt it). those pigs that are terrorists are not muslim!! they do NOT submit to God. they submit to evil.

but when we try to explain this, you dont hear us. we try a thousand and one different ways to let people know...MUSLIMS DO NOT SUPPORT TERRORISM. we speak out, write blogs, sit in on news shows, do the hula, back flips, the funky watoosi to try to make you hear us say THEY DO NOT SPEAK FOR THE NORMAL EVERY DAY MUSLIM. but you reject what we say and talk over us, still saying we need to speak out.

fellow muslims.....please PLEASE sign in here. wave a flag, leave a comment, say hi, give us a hi-5 if you DO NOT SUPPORT TERRORISM.

HEAR US PLEASE.

if you dont want to know me, why do you continue to read my blog?

2010-06-26T18:30:00.000-07:00

you know who you are, so ask yourself the same question

to the unidentified family who bought the most expensive mansion in the usa

2010-06-23T17:53:00.001-07:00

you spent 72 MILLION dollars on a house. though its beautiful, its still a house. you could have taken a couple of million and helped some people throughout the world. you could have lived in a normal house and been super charitable.

i cannot get over the WASTE. inshallah these people use their wealth to help people also. its none of my business but i wish i had that kind of money. it would never go toward a mansion that at the end of the day is still just a house.

http://realestate.yahoo.com/promo/americas-most-expensive-mansion-sells

youre going to get mad at me, but.....

2010-06-21T17:57:00.000-07:00

to my beautiful muslim sisters who are involved in marriages where they share a husband with perhaps 1, 2 or 3 other wives.

please stop encouraging us to think hard about it. please dont say its our religious duty to obey Allah in this manner.

polygyny is not an obligation for muslims. women have a choice in the matter. if we enter knowingly into a marriage where the man already has a wife then perhaps we should consider it our duty to make it work for the sake of Allah.

but we dont have to stay in a marriage that began as just a couple then another and another and another was added.

i read so many blogs where the woman is miserable, the co-wives are b***ches and there is constant drama and "working" to make the marriage work.

yet those same wives are saying what a blessing that marriage has been and we should consider it a test of Allah, etc etc etc.

yes we all have tests from Allah but i dont think that if we are standing at the foot of a boiling belching volcano Allah expects us to stand there to see how long we can withstand the heat before our flesh melts off.

men take other wives for just the crappiest, most selfish, immature reasons.

men have to treat each wife EQUALLY and provide each wife with their own homes. if one gets an apple the other gets and apple. if one gets a new mercedes, the other gets a mercedes. how many men can actually do that?

how many blogs have you read where all the women are living in the same home and miserable. this is happiness? this is equality?

what happens to wife #1 who didnt want to be involved in this type of marriage, yet hubby and wife #2, 3 and 4 are just blissful? this is equality?

God bless the people who truly make it work and know what true polygny in the name of Allah means. i dont have any beef with the responsible mature pious adults who engage in polygyny.

but ladies who are wishing for more time, fighting over calendars and time with their husband..PLEASE dont ask us to be patient and willing when our husbands come knocking with the new wife.

rant for the day over.

how naive and wrong i was

2010-06-18T18:33:00.000-07:00

you know, when you study islam everything seems so wonderful and inviting. islam the way Mohammed presented and lived it. the way the companions lived it. the concept of the ummah fills you with warmth and hope doesnt it.

until you start to live it. you have the highest expectations. you think others do to. you think that the love of Allah, the prophet and the religion in general just fill people up to the brim. you think that the ummah is strong and that muslims will be kind to each other simply because we are brothers and sisters and have a common belief in something so wonderful.

then you start to mingle. and you get burned a few times here and there. people smother you in adoration because you are a new muslim, a novelty. then that newness wears off and you find yourself searching for anyone to help you with your new muslim needs. then you hear the gossiping. you watch the women chatter and basically ignore the khutbah even though you struggle to hear it. you watch as women scorn other women from other countries. you get left out of many things because you are a revert, because you are not a fellow countrywoman even though you are living in your own country (many of you know what i mean).

how many of us have sat alone in the mosque while the others chatter busily in their own cliques, in their own languages.

i have found myself judged by born muslims. my clothing nitpicked. my scarf. ive been told countless times that i need to dress just like them to be a presentable muslim. i have had parents not want their children to play with my daughter because my other children are not muslim as if we are having wild partying in the house or perhaps my other children will offer pork chops and wine for dinner.

ive been judged by the family of someone i loved dearly to be less than worthy, unacceptable, haram, worldly, a user and these people had never even met me. i wish i could tell them how rude and ill mannered they were. ive often prayed i never treat anyone this way. they taught me valuable lessons in being judgmental and haughty. i look back in great sadness at how much i admired them at one time and wanted to be part of their lives. i used to wonder if they had any idea how much i wanted to know them.

i have been tromped on my a muslim husband and left husbandless and my child left fatherless. he doesnt even bother to call my little one at all. lets not even mention child support.

i have been hit on countless times by muslim men making stupid goo goo eyes.

i have had muslim co workers tell me to hush when i greet them with salam or ramadan kareem because they are hiding their islam.

ive watched some younger women compete in beauty and clothing and become very rude and snide toward each other. ive watched women wear the scarf and yet have a mile of cleavage showing and every curve packed neatly into the tightest clothing.

how naive and wrong i was to think that there was a strong beautiful ummah out there. how wrong i was to think that as a muslim i was automatically accepted into that imaginary unbroken circle. how wrong i was to think we were holding steadfast onto that rope that Allah, swt, told us about.

ive watched as not a single person lifted a finger when i have needed and asked for help getting my child to islamic class because i was working which led to her missing school.

ive listened to teachers speak to my child with a bit of scorn because she has no arabic parent at home to help her with her quran lessons.

ive listened to muslims shout, cry, burn things, tear up things because of what is happening to palestine yet they never do a thing to actually help them...just yell alot. ive watched the world go insane over a someone draw a picture of the prophet, pbuh, yet they sit idly as thousands upon thousands of darker skinned african muslims are raped, tortured and slain daily, not even uttering a single word for the horrible crimes committed against our african brothers and sisters.

i have watched myself become disenchanted, not with islam, but with muslims.

first i was sad..then angry..then sad again as i realized that the ummah is so broken. huge gaps in between those threads of the rope. we are miles and miles apart....too far away to join hands. and many of us dont even want to TOUCH the next persons hand!!

do not get me wrong. i have met some fantastic muslim. had i not i probably wouldnt be a muslim now. i have met wonderful muslims. but they are far and few in between.

there are way too many living selfish, ugly lives. they have gotten under my skin and i find myself needing to start over with islam. to remind myself why i am where i am. what brought me to islam. to study the beautiful life of the prophet and his companions. to know islam as it was then.

astaghfiruallah if ive said anything wrong or offended anyone. but i am speaking my heart and mind.

Q.3:105

laziness in the heat

2010-06-16T18:06:00.000-07:00

im so lazy and the heat here just beats me down! nothing much is going on with me. work as usual. still missing jumaah every friday because of my work schedule. those of you can attend are really blessed!!

one thing i want some input on is girl scouts. girl scouts is an american tradition that dates back to 1912. its an organization for girls ranging in ages from 6 to adulthood to help them reach their full potential as young ladies by learning to make sound, wholesome and moral decisions, help mankind, serve God and basically just be the best they can be!

my youngest daughter is a brownie which is a segment of girl scouts. she loves it. they have to earn badges by performing good deeds.

the girl scouts motto is this....

On my honor, I will try:
To serve God and my country,
To help people at all times,
And to live by the Girl Scout Law.

her little troop has a variety of girls of all colors, religions, etc. and i love this but they focus on many things that we, as muslims, dont necessarily believe in.

this prompted me in asking the mosque if i could start a troop for our girls and hold the meetings at the mosque.

well many of the ladies loved this idea and wanted their girls to join.

one of the requirements to start a troop is that there has to be a leader, which would be me, and an assistant.

when i was talking to the ladies one day regarding starting a troop, they presented a problem to me that left a bad taste in my mouth.

they insisted that the members could only be the muslim girls and no one else.

why is this a problem?

first..the girl scout council was emphatic that ALL girls be welcome. that is was ok to hold the meetings in the mosque and even focus on islamic beliefs as long as we followed the basic guidelines of girl scouts but no girl could be turned away.

when i told the other mothers that we had to welcome any girl, they really just shook their heads!!

me being the person i am just cringed!! i am one of the most welcoming people youll ever meet and never shut a door to anyone based on color, nationality, religion, etc. i just stood and watched these women poo poo the idea that a non muslim girl be in the mosque.

wow!!

i told them then it cant be affiliated with girl scouts and they may as well just start a social gathering for the girls if they dont want "outsiders" in the mosque.

i also reminded them that this could have been an opportunity for dawah, that this could have been an awakening for any non muslim child attending. a little girl who knew nothing about islam could learn and perhaps, inshallah, wish to say shahada one day because she was welcomed.

it just totally saddened me...this club..this elite club that some of us think we are in.

i was supposed to have submitted a proposal to leaders at the mosque regarding girl scouts but i never did because i dont want to get involved in that snobbiness.

thoughts?

the days following....

2010-05-24T19:16:00.000-07:00

i was in a daze for the following days. i could not believe this had happened again. the odd thing was that i had, only a couple of weeks earlier, said to myself its been two years now...i can stop looking in the closet to see if he has packed his belongings again. after two years, i was finally able to exhale and stop waiting for his departure. seems i exhaled too soon. i was so sad but i did not fall apart this time because the pain and scars from his first departure were well remembered and i didnt want to lose myself like that again. i replayed events over and over again in my brain...looking for clues, asking myself if i missed obvious signs. we were so comfortable together, always going places together, really enjoying life. we had an overabundance of the things we needed and wanted. life was acutally wonderful at that point, or so i thought.

his phone was off for the first couple of days. i suppressed the pain so that i could function for my family. my mother was sad, my children were sad, i was sad but most of all our little 5 year old daughter was sad and confused. her father had been there daily taking her to and picking her up from school, attending performances, taking her shopping, reading to her, teaching her arabic. he spent so much of his time with her that i was totally stunned that he could actually leave her behind.

when we finally did talk, he said he needed time and that i wasnt there for him which was a slap in the face because i tried so hard to balance time between him and my children always trying to not cheat one or the other. he said he would come back and, as before, when i asked when he always said soon.

i told him if he would just tell me what was going on i would listen. i told him he could be honest and tell me if he had another wife....as always the answer was no. i told him that i would not wait this time. either he came home or i would go on with life. 6 weeks passed. we talked daily and he said he would come back home. he said that as he drove away from our small city toward atlanta he was filled with regret and longing and that he wanted to tell the cab driver to take him back.

he had no money, so i bought his one way ticket back home. some of you may think im foolish and perhaps i was...Allahu alim.

so, i planned a 2 day rendezvous in atlanta...just he and i. to spend time alone and try to come to terms with all of this. i excitedly prepared myself buying a new outfit, shoes, lingerie. i reserved a room in a lovely hotel in atlanta. i was nervous and giggling. i called him from time to time to see if he was nearly ready. he had packed his things and he said he was waiting to go to the airport.

as it neared his departure time, i called and he didnt answer the phone. i immediately began to tense. when he finally did answer, he said he had trouble getting all of his things on the correct connecting bus but was on his way. but he was going to be late!! he insisted he would get there in time.

i didnt like what i was hearing at all. again i waited to hear from him. when he did call it was to tell me he missed his flight. i felt every cell in my body deflate. i felt like i would faint but i didnt. i flopped onto my bed in disbelief. i told him to wait and let me call the airline. they told me they could put him on standby for the next flight which was several hours away and that he wouldnt know until a couple of hours before takeoff. he agreed to wait at the airport. i spoke again with customer service at the airline and they assured me that there were several available seats and that he was second or third on the list, i dont remember. i felt a little bit at ease. i told my husband this and he said he would go off and get something to eat.

one of the things that i remember while talking to him everyday was the sound of children playing outside of his window. several high pitched children's voices. ill explain why im mentioning this.....

i wasnt stressing at this point because i felt certain that he would get a seat and he was coming home. but i wasnt planning on leaving for atlanta until he was safely on board!! a couple of hours later i called to see what he was doing and if he had eaten. he said he had and then i heard several high pitched children's voices. i couldnt hear a word he was saying because i was straining hard to make certain i was hearing what i was sure i was hearing. the sickening realization poured over me much like when you pour warm water over your hair in the bath. how that sensation starts at the top of your head and spreads downward as the water travels. i cut him off mid sentence and told him that he is still in his apartment that he "shared with a bunch of other guys". he insisted that he wasnt but i told him i hear the children's voices and he still insisted he was at the airport and that it was just some children there. i said "youre not coming home are you??!!" he said he was at the airport and yes he was coming home.

i started to cry because i could not believe that this man was so damned insincere and unconcerned and inconsiderate. that he let me throw my money away with his pretense to come home and we started to argue heatedly because i was furious and he insisted he was at the airport.

i hung up the phone and sat staring, not moving. barely breathing. i looked over at my luggage that was still waiting for a trip. out of the blue, i dialed our credit card toll free number and listened to the last few transactions on the card he was using....he had just made a purchase at walmart then the grocery store. he wasnt even near the airport.

i hung up with all the silence of a graveyard around me. everyone was at school. the silence was profound. i picked up my luggage and quietly unpacked while tears dropped down my cheeks but i never made a sound.

a couple of hours later when it was time for that plane to depart, i called to see if he boarded. he had not.

i called him and told him what i knew. he didnt know what to say. i dont remember much more of that night. i felt so duped and sick.

a couple of days later he called my cell phone from his cell phone and while he was talking, an idea popped into my head. i had the "other woman's" phone numbers because they had been on my caller i.d. so many times. i picked up my house phone and dialed her house number. in the background of his apartment, i heard another phone start to ring. to ensure i was correct, i hung up, dialed again and that phone started to ring again in the background. i did it a third time and that phone started to ring again. very quietly i said your phone is ringing. he said its not my phone, its one of my roommates phones. i said answer it. he said he didnt answer that phone. thats when i told him that it was me calling the other womans phone and what a coincident that each time i called a phone rang behind him. he grew furious because he knew he was caught. he started yelling that he didnt want to hear that s**t and that i should get a job as a detective (maybe i will) blah de blah de blah....and if i wanted to be with him that i better not keep talking about this. that she is a friend and he had nowhere to go..blah blah blah blah blah...

i told him i dont want to be with him. that i would divorce him some sort of way. i grew very cold and distant that day. it was that day that i grew stronger by leaps and bounds. i was determined to be positive and keep living.

a couple of weeks after that i was checking our joint email account. forgive the intimate details but he and i had a few racy pictures that were not meant for anyone else's eyes. we had stored them in this account so that they would not be on the camera. i looked at the sent folder and in this folder i found mail addressed to "the other woman". i opened it and found that the pictures of him and me had been forwarded to her. my husband was and is an extremely private man and i knew without a doubt that he had not sent these to her. she had hacked into so many accounts in the past and i knew that she had hacked this one and sent the pictures to herself. i was LIVID. i dont know if livid is even the word. i think i would have killed her had i seen her at that second, alhamdulillah i didnt. i called him and told him about it. he was livid himself. he immediately went to her and demanded she open her email. he said she was at work at the time and that when she opened it, the email with the pictures were in her inbox. he erased it all.

at this point, i was so disgusted with their disgusting behaviours. the both of them. and the fact that she had seen the private pictures just made me see their ugliness. his and hers. that they deserved each other.

i wanted both of them out of my life. i told him he was no good for me and apparently never had been and he was not a good role model for our daughter.

right before this incident, he had wanted to come home. and was desperately begging to come home daily . each day i said no. with the event of the purloined pictures, i was adamant that he not return to our home. each day he begged. each day i said no. it was at this point that i began to actively look for an imam to grant me some sort of divorce. i began to investigate islamic divorces and things werent looking good for me since he refused to divorce me still.

i was determined to find something to work for me though. each day i grew stronger and content to be alone. yes i missed the wonderful times of egypt and the life that i had shared with him but as i told him, none of it was real. i was his stepping stone to get to someone else which he still denies to this day. that it was just a mistake he made.

well his mistake lasted for years and in my book thats not a mistake, its just downright deceit.

the burdens they had placed on my me had finally fallen away and i went on with life. not one time did i turn away from Allah or my prayers. i was determined to make our daughter a true little muslimah.

If good befalls you, it grieves them, and if an evil afflicts you, they rejoice at it; and if you are patient and guard yourselves, their scheme will not injure you in any way; surely Allah comprehends what they do. (3:120)

about my blog

2010-05-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

i had someone write me at facebook and ask me if these were the real events of my life or was this a little story i was writing.

i wish it was just a little story i was writing.

no, everything i write about in my blogs actually happened to me. reality is usually much stranger than fiction dont you think.

nurul, i know you want me to update and i will, inshallah. ive just not had the get up and go past few weeks..inshallah it will return.

after the death of my angel.

2010-04-16T16:52:00.001-07:00

i mourned the loss of yussef. i would cry and ask why and my husband would shush me and tell me not to question Allah.

i found so much comfort in Allah and the Qur'an. when i did ask why, i turned to the holy book and found what i needed.

my husband started saying he had to go back to washington and go to work. i just couldnt wrap my head around this. how can you leave me? im your wife. please, im so traumatized. ive lost our little one. we are getting along well....why?

i was weak and deflated. i felt so little. devoid of any feeling. numb.

how did i get to this point? whirlwind trips to egypt. husband. his family. anticipating his coming to states to make our family complete. his arrival, our pregnancy, his sudden departure, the loss of our baby and his departure again.

10 days after i had the D&C to remove the remains of yussef, he went back to seattle, taking all of his belongings again. must you take everything? cant you leave some of it here? youre not coming back are you? such insecurity and fright.

my brain was so quiet and i was so dejected. my bedroom once a place of aloneness and sadness. the baby bed in the corner of the room filled with nothing.

i was feeling such guilt for saying i didnt want the baby prior to his death. why were so many things happening to me. i felt like everything was spiraling.

time passed. i talked to my husband daily. i asked him all the time if he were with that woman. and he always said no. i also asked daily when he would come home. the answer was the same every time.."soon"

"soon" lasted 6 more months. during those months, we bickered about this woman. i had told him so many times that i was not interested in being in a polygynous relationship, especially being an southern, irish-american, non muslim. i would rather be divorced. we had this discussion countless times. i would rather live alone than to share a husband and i was serious about this. this was not an idle threat. he insisted he was only married to me.

i suspected he was with her but he was so good at lying. he told me the best stories and i wanted to believe. why did i let this go on? i dont know. i really dont. i ask myself why i was so weak. so seemingly desperate.

i always told myself and him that if i ever got one bit of concrete evidence that it was over.

june arrived and he came home. he said for good. i was so relieved. he got another job immediately. i was making excellent money, he was making decent money. we got a new home, a new van. life was great.

if you ever get the opportunity to read my other blog, my immature viewpoint, it was started during this time and we were on top of the world. we had all we needed plus some. we helped others. we attended jumaah as a family every friday. we had date nights. we laughed. we cooked all the time together. we vacationed. we had the best time.

at some point, he started telling me i wasnt a good wife. i am the first to admit im not the best housekeeper. i worked 12 hour shifts 4 times a week so i didnt spend every spare minute cleaning.

he wanted my teenagers to pay bills from their part time jobs. i didnt want them to as this was their home. i didnt pay bills as a teen. i used my money to buy things i wanted so my mom didnt have to and this is what i wanted them to do. it actually saved me money for them to buy their own things!! but this was a thorn in his side. made his blood pressure actually rise.

then the phone calls started from washington. i couldnt take it. i told him to call her and tell her to NEVER call into my home again. i demanded to know why she was calling. i called her number back and when she answered and realized it was me she hung up on me. he said he couldnt tell her not to call. couldnt control her. she made my life miserable. just seeing her name on my caller i.d. made me sick to my stomach.

i started feeling that insecurity again. when i would come home from work, i would check my closet first thing if he wasnt home to make sure his belongings were still there. if he left the house, i would question him incessantly on where he was going.

he said he would call her and tell her not to call. to respect me. again i asked if he was married to her. as always...NO.

time passed and we grew stronger and continued to thrive and do well in all ways. i had really started to think as a muslim by this time. my husband never pushed me to become a muslim but he said he always prayed that i would. i studied and loved islam. i never said a thing but my plan was to soon say shahada.

i was going to surprise him and say it at jumaah in may of 2007. that morning, he called home to egypt as he always did every friday. his mother wanted to buy something so he had wired money home to her. he called to let her know that the money was there. but they wouldnt let him speak to her. kept making excuses. but he knew something wasnt right. finally one of his uncles spoke to him and told him that his mother had died from a heart attack nearly a week ago as she prepared to pray. my husband nearly lost his mind. it was worse than losing our baby. they didnt tell him cause they didnt want him to lose his mind but this was worse. he cried so much that he didnt get to go home and bury his mom.

i postponed the shahada due to this but the next weekend i did say it and that story is here on this blog. it was a wonderful occasion, subhanallah.

my husband had a really hard time coping with his mothers death. i tried to comfort him the best i could. my becoming a muslim really lightened his heart. all of his family in egypt was so overjoyed also.

time passed and we were fine. soon our anniversary rolled around again. he saved a good bit of money and we went away to atlanta for the weekend. he took me on a shopping spree and we just had the most wonderful time. there is a post about this in the other blog. i was so very happy.

a month later, miss washington started to call again. i found a western union receipt where he had wired her money. we started to fight again. i could not take this woman. it had been 3 years since i had learned about her and it seemed she would forever haunt me. i begged him to be rid of her. make her leave us alone.

he worked night shift and one night i dropped him off then took my son to his apartment. my daughter and i decided to go back to his work and see him. we walked in and he was talking on payphone. he turned around and saw us and his eyes widened and he was totally shocked. he told the person on the other phone that he would call back later. i could hear a womans voice on the line. i knew he was talking to her and that fear just flooded me. soon i could hear them start to page him overhead that he had a call on line 1. i told him to go and answer her and i turned and left.

my mother was staying with us then so i tried not to fight in the house. i didnt want her to know what was going on.

on april 1st, he called me at work and said he was going away for a while. i worked an hour away. i was frantic at work. youre going to her arent you???!! no, i just need some time. he said he would go and then i could come and visit. i asked him if he was taking everything and he said no. i begged him not to leave. i was at work and terrified. i couldnt focus and thats not good when a nurse is working on a busy floor. i felt helpless. i didnt even try to leave work because i had a feeling this was just something that was going to happen. as my shift progressed, i would call to see if he left. we talked and i cried. why was this happening again. was it her? was he going to her? was he going back to washington? no, he said he was not going to washington.

by later afternoon, i was so weak and he finally said he wouldnt go. i was so relieved. thank you God! i could relax.

within 30 minutes, he called back yelling and cursing loudly. seems two girls had come by the house looking for my teenage son and my mom had let them in and they had gone back to the bedroom to look for my son.

he said that he will not allow this kind of behaviour in his home. this haram behaviour. that if anyone was f***king in his house it would only be him. that he hated my kids. that they could stay here and live in this haram lifetsyle but he would not. he said he was going to stay but now he was packing all of his things and was leaving.

i was so confused. i didnt know what was happening at my house to make this blow up this way. all of this cursing was in front of our daughter and my mother.

i called my mother, who was already elderly and suffering from senility, who told me that she had invited the girls in but they didnt even stay long but that my husband had gotten angry. packed his things and called a cab.

i didnt cry. i couldnt. i couldnt do anything anymore. it was hopeless.

i somehow finished my shift. drove home. walked in. looked in the closet. again empty. naked hangers. he had separated all our important papers and left behind what i needed.

i looked at the caller id and saw the number where the cab driver had called earlier to tell my husband he was outside waiting. i called him and asked him where he had taken my husband and he said he drove him to the atlanta airport.

he told the cab driver that he was flying to seattle washington.

time and the pregnancy marches on.

2010-04-14T18:34:00.000-07:00

i forgot to mention in my last post that my husband actually asked me, prior to his sudden and secret departure, to leave my children and move away with him. at the time they were 13, 14, 15 and 18. of course he wanted me to take our youngest but he wanted me to pack my things and just leave the others there to fend for themselves. i told him i would NOT under any circumstances leave my children...ever. i look back now and realize how completely selfish this man was and still is.

now back to the story.

so i realized that he was in seattle but he didnt call again til the next monday. i was so sick. just troubled and emotionally unbalanced from all of this. i was not in a normal state of mind.

i still didnt sleep or eat well. i didnt do anything well. i was in shock from all of this. i was beaten down and traumatized from the whole ordeal.

anyway, i had to wait a whole week to ask him about the caller i.d. saying seattle, Wa. i dont know if you have any idea how hard it was for me to wait that long week. i was stressed beyond belief.

he said that he used a calling card and that it just had some city's name there but that he was really in atlanta. of course, i didnt believe him and told him so. but he is such a master of lies that i think he even believes his own.

by this time it was november and i was nearing my third month of pregnancy. i couldnt believe that i was pregnant and stranded by my husband whom i had fought so long to get home.

i began to resent the baby. i did NOT want to raise this child alone. i had raised my youngest alone while i waited for him to get here from egypt but this was different, i would be raising this one not knowing if we would ever hear from his/her dad again.

every time he called i would just become so sorrowful and ask him to please tell me what was really going on. please, didnt i deserve the truth??!! he said he would be home. that he had taken a job and that he would come home soon. that he dreamed of the baby daily and couldnt wait for him to be born.

i still wasnt thinking to be a muslim and it was nearing christmas. he told me that he had informed his new job that he would be coming home to his wife for the holidays.

come home to visit? to visit us?? cant you just come home to your wife and child? im pregnant with your child...COME HOME.

i could still never get any sort of explanation out of him. i wanted to know what had happened to cause all of this and he told me it was because i just wasnt a good wife. i wasnt like the wives in egypt.

but im not egyptian, im american. how could i be anything but that???

and in my idiocy, i anticipated his arrival. i just wanted him to come and stay.

he did arrive the second week of december and things were a bit cool between us. i was approx 4 months preg by this time and showing. i had a doctors appointment the second week that my husband would be there and we were going to have an ultrasound!! my husband was actually excited.

we decided to name him yussef.

things were not smooth. we had emotional, heated discussions about why he was in seattle. was he with this woman? where was she? why seattle? why not anywhere else in this country. he never EVER EVER EVER gave me and answer and til this very day.....he has never offered me any excuses.

he took a seasonal job while he was here and i was praying so hard he would just stay home!! his wife, his child, his new one on the way were all here....a job that was offered to him beyond the holidays?? why couldnt he stay home?

he still said he had to go back to the first job..he had to give it a try.

i was just beside myself with all of this drama. i remember looking at my growing stomach and saying i wish this baby would just die so that i wouldnt be tied down. Astaghfirullah.

the big day arrived...the ultrasound of our little baby. we sat and laughed and held hands in the doctors office. i knew my OB/GYN well. he had been my doc for a while and i worked with him at the hospital too.

my husband and i got into the little room and i was positioned on the table for the ultrasound. the doc turned on the screen and my husband waited...smiling in anticipation, holding my hand.

the doc moved the ultrasound wand around and around on my stomach and i stared at the screen. this was not my first ultrasound but it was the first that my husband was attending. i stared hard at the screen because i didnt hear that telltale signs of a blossoming life.

i didnt hear the heartbeat. my husband was still talking and laughing but the doctor and i werent saying anything. i was holding my breath.

i started to hear my own heartbeat pounding in my ears. i tuned everything out as i strained to hear the heartbeat.

the only thing that broke my concentration was the doctor saying, "jana..there's no heartbeat anymore."

not only did i hear my heartbeat, i heard all the blood swooshing around my head. i sat up abruptly and demanded that he explain himself though i knew what he meant. my husband was still talking.

he said, "the baby. he has died"

my husband jumped up and shouted. he didnt quite comprehend at first until i fell against him and sobbed uncontrollablly.

the doc told him again that our baby had died and that i would have to have a procedure to remove the remains of our little baby yussef.

it was christmas week so there would be no procedures scheduled until after christmas. i had to carry our dead child for a week. it was one of the hardest things ive ever had to do.

we went into the hospital. solemn. they put me to sleep and suctioned him out of me. my husband asked for his remains so that he could bury him but was told that he was torn and resembled hamburger. i saw my husband turn gray as he turned to face the wall. he said never mind.

we went home to recover.

a new start!

2010-04-09T17:18:00.000-07:00

we made it home. my older children had never met him though they felt like they knew him through the past 2-3 years of phone calls, webcam and such. the official introductions were made between my egyptian husband, their new stepdad who was also their baby sisters dad. i enjoyed taking him all over the place so he could see america!! i often wonder what its like when someone from a place like egypt comes to the states for the first time and their confronted with my fellow southerners. loool. you know, they have jerry springer on satellite in egypt and im sure they were thinking we're all like that in the south!! land full of rednecks, beer swillers and incestuous lovers.

i took him to our small mosque which i loved. it could never compare to the grand mosques in egypt. there is no adhan floating through the air, no minaret. its just a small, unassuming building that no one would suspect was an islamic center if not for the sign announcing such.

he didnt like it. he said, "its not my taste."

huh?

wth??

i was so taken aback and offended i fought off tears. for two reasons, i loved my little mosque. i took my first lessons there. i wasnt a muslim at this point and was not even really interested in converting at this time, but i did love this little place. the second reason was that i just KNEW he was going to be so homesick for his mosques back home. i wanted him to feel at home. i felt really bad to be honest.

then there was the lack of halal food. i remember taking him to captain d's (seafood fastfood) and he ordered green beans as a side and right when he was about to put the first bite into his mouth i remembered that they season it with pork!! i yelled STOP and he froze. loooooooool i remember the look on his face when i told him. we had to learn to be more careful.

i took him to meet my family. they loved him and he loved them. absolutely adored my mom. everytime i turned around they were side by side, snuggled to each other.

my children really liked him alot and of course my youngest was thrilled to finally have her dad home.

i took him to my job and introduced him. everyone was so happy to finally meet this man they had heard so much about and talked to several times on the phone.

most of all everyone was just so thrilled for me to have my husband at home.

time spent with homeland security, immigration and embassies is not a fun time at all. so for all that to be over and for him to just be home....well i was nearly content.

i say nearly because we had just had that issue of the other women cropping up. i worried from time to time that he would go to those women but i tried to bury that fear. i would remind myself that my husband was home now...with me. forget those other people.

he had been in the states for approx 4 weeks when we discovered i was pregnant. i was at work and feeling a bit nauseous, i ran out and bought a pregnancy test on my lunch break, returned to work and took the test....positive. i was happy! i remember one of my co-workers announcing it over the facility's pa system for everyone to come by the nurses station and congratulate me on my good news.

then i went home and told my husband. i asked him to come sit with me on the back porch. nice autumn day. when i told him, he stared at the ground for a while. i was smiling as i waited for it to sink into his brain. he was going to have another little one to go with our daughter.

then he stood up, still staring at the ground. he stomped his foot into the dirt and cursed. he was livid. he was angry that i was pregnant. i felt my face turn red, i was shocked. i stood dazed and confused as he walked away angrily after cursing at me. he left the house.

i just stood there in the back yard as the sun went down, tears dropping. i was so confused.

he came back later that night. offered some reasoning....we were struggling, he didnt have work yet. but we werent struggling at all.

do you have any idea how much a family of my size has to make per year to be able to sponsor someone from another country? i was doing quite well financially at that point. so it wasnt the money, i assumed maybe it was his egyptian male pride (oh yes thats def real).

at any rate, he wasnt happy. and i just felt so guilty like i had done it as a trap of some sort. trapped my own husband, lol. how much sense does that make?

each day passed and he never seemed even a bit happy about the new baby but it didnt dampen my happiness at all. i would take care of the little one. after all, i had basically done it alone all these years with my older children, one more wouldnt kill me.

one night, i woke up in the middle of the night and he wasnt in the bed. i got up and looked through the house and i could hear him talking. he was sitting on the front porch talking on the phone. i stood there and listened for a minute but really couldnt hear anything he was saying. i walked out and he saw me there. i turned around and came inside and he came soon after. he was calling egypt he said which made sense to me since it would be later morning there. he came in and went to take a shower. i picked up the cell phone and was shocked so badly that all the blood just rushed from all living tissue in my body....that name was there on the caller i.d. that womans name. that name that has just haunted me from the second year of my marriage til now..the first womans name. the lady in seattle. it took me a minute to recuperate. when he came out i was so emotional. so very upset. we started to argue. i dont even remember what lame excuse he gave me at the time. there was nothing he could say to calm me. i couldnt deal with it. my head was swirling. what was SHE doing calling my house. how did SHE get my number????

the next couple of weeks were very difficult. we had many discussions, arguments, crying spells, late night talks. i told him that i wouldnt stand for this. im pregnant, he's my husband and i will not have him here talking with her for any reason.

he agreed not to talk to her at all. that he would be here 100% for me and the baby.

we celebrated his first birthday in the u.s.a . we all went out and had a nice dinner, a really nice time.

next day, i went to work. i was working a 12 hour shift. as usual as i prepared to leave work, i called home and talked to one of my sons. i asked to speak to my husband and my son said he wasnt there. i was a bit surprised as he was always there when i was headed home.

when i walked in 20 mins later, i asked my son if my husband had gotten home yet. he said no and that he thinks his things were gone.

what? things gone? what do you mean?? i asked this as i walked swiftly to the bedroom, stumbling, sweating, shaking.

i walked in. things looked normal.

until i opened his closet door and all i saw were empty hangars. no luggage. no shoes.

something in me died at that second. i stood helpless, not knowing what to do next. it was such a horrible moment in my life.

then i saw the note in the bathroom. the one he had written to let me know that he was leaving me.

i didnt sleep. i took benadryl after benadryl to try to sleep but it didnt work. i forced myself to work. but i was a zombie. a mass of weak emotional pregnant jelly. my friends at work tried to comfort me. they were so shocked. i didnt eat, everything tasted like cardboard. i tried for the babys sake. i cried all the time. at the drop of a hat, i would be in tears.

i didnt hear from him for a week and a half. he called while i was at work and said he was staying in atlanta. he needed time and would come back home eventually. i cried so much at work. i was just so devastated. i begged him to just tell me where he is in atlanta and i would come get him. he said no, that he would be home. he said he would call me later that night....and he did. he did call and we talked for a long time. i was just as confused as the day he left. i didnt understand why he left. i could never get a clear picture.

when we hung up i realized i didnt get a number where i could reach him. so i looked at the caller i.d. to see if there was a number. yes there was and listed above that number were the words.....

seattle, washington.

business as usual..lets go back to my story!

2010-04-06T06:16:00.000-07:00

assalamu alikom wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh!!

after some consideration, i decided to reopen this blog. it is my blog. my venting spot, my story telling place. though i am not perfect, i do not live a haram lifestyle and i do not have anything to hide. i have fought hard to be a strong person and so shall i be. with that being said, this blog is back in business and if anyone reads here and doesnt like it or me, they know how to click right off of it. i dont appreciate nastiness from anywhere. do not call yourself a follower of Allah and then treat people like trash and expect anything good in the end.

i will NOT be posting anything from any anons known or not, so dont bother.

now, where was i?

ahhh yes, the husband who was not just my husband it seemed. i had called the lady in florida who was very nasty and who seemed to be of jerry springer lineage. she thanked me for bringing him closer to her, etc etc etc.

and yes i DID call him. it was probably 2 or 3 am his time, but i was shaking so badly. i thought that i was trapped in some other person's insane life. who were these other women who were showing up suddenly? how did they all know my husband? what the hell was happening? you have no idea how confused i was at this point. well....im sure there are some of you out there who do know. he was wide awake because apparently ms. Florida had already awakened him so he was on the alert.

he denied her. said she was crazy too. wow! all of these crazy women? i was thinking that i was the crazy one at this point though. i thought i knew my kind hearted husband so well. my mind raced over the past two years. how attentive he always was, considerate, wonderful, etc etc. this couldnt be MY husband involved in all of this. these women had to be stalkers or something. we talked well into the night.

oh! did i say talk? i meant yelled, argued, cried, begged, pleaded, ranted, raved, rolled on floor, seized....you get the picture.

he finally admitted to all of this. sometime in the middle of MY night, he caved. yes he had known lady #1 before he had even met me. he had met her online in an islamic chat room, she wanted to "LEARN ABOUT ISLAM" (ladies i think ive warned you against this before - beware of another woman wanting to "LEARN ABOUT ISLAM" from your husband!) he had been teaching her, sending her things (hijab, qur'an et al), even had my sister in law mailing it for him!! he thought he had fallen in love with her but after he married told her he couldnt talk to her anymore.

when he said her name, i froze in time. a memory flooded my brain. i couldnt even hear what my husband was saying at that point. that name, that NAME.

the memory.

flash back to the previous year when we were in our flat during our honeymoon. his cell phone rang and he started speaking in english. that caught my attention because he spoke to everyone else in arabic. i listened. he had a concerned look on his face. i said whats wrong? and he shushed me and walked into the other room. naive me. i stayed quietly sitting on the salon couch til he returned. whats wrong and who was that? his answer "oh that was my uncles wife in italy. her name is ..SAME NAME AS WOMAN NUMBER ONE HERE IN MY STORY). she is learning about islam (loool here we go again), and she calls to ask me questions."

ok so why doesnt she ask your uncle? he gave some lame excuse that i dont even remember.

ok so why did i have to be quiet?

well, cause she doesnt know im married and shell run her mouth and.....some other mush i dont remember.

so what? your family knows we're married, who's she gonna tell that would make a difference?

turns out "WIFE IN ITALY" was really "WOMAN NUMBER ONE" in the states and one year later, that phone call came back to bite me. THAT should have been alarm number one but i was dumb.

i started thinking back to my subsequent visits over that past year and how his cell would ring during night and he would get up and look and i would say who is it calling at this time of night and he would say nobody and turn it off. how very trusting i was.

i was totally gutted over the fact that there was another woman at all, that he thought he was in love with her at one time, that she had called into our home on our honeymoon and he told ME to be quiet and went off to talk to her in another room. hindsight is 20/20 of course, had i only suspected something then i would have pushed him over the balcony while he was talking to her.

then there was still miss jerry springer down in florida. he said she was no one. apparently met her in a chat room too (what is it with egyptians and chat rooms?). the pics she sent him were of her in her MILITARY UNIFORM. she was either active duty or in the reserves, i dont know and dont care. i still have the pics! he said he never loved her and that she wouldnt leave him alone.

it was amazing though how both of these women knew every single thing about him. they had apparently spent a lot of time together.

he cried and begged me not to leave him. i told him i didnt know what i could do. i had a year old marriage, our daughter, all the time and money vested in homeland security..i had to think.

next day, he talked to his dad for advice. his dad said,"you cant even treat her right when youre living apart from her so what makes you think youll treat her right when you live with her...DIVORCE her and let her live peacefully!"

and i did ask him to divorce me but he refused. we went round and round about this. please give me a divorce. NO NO NO.

all that was in april, in may he said he was going with his dad for a month to work. his dad's a construction worker. he said he wouldnt talk to me for a month. this was totally confusing to me at the time.

but as time went on, i had a feeling that one of those women had made it to egypt and thats where he was.

even today, i feel that to be the case. and i feel certain it was woman number one. the one who had emailed me saying "i want to know you".

he still denies that til this day but i dont believe much of what he says.

after that month, we started to talk. he told me that he told woman number one that he loved me and that she couldnt call or anything anymore. that he was devoted to me and our daughter.

we started to rebuild.

then the letter came! our interview was in august 2005 in cairo. i planned a 2 week trip. and in aug i left for egypt.

we tested and retested each other over any and every question we thought could be asked. we knew each other pretty well (or so i thought, apparently i didnt know him the way i thought i did) so we were confident.

the day arrived and we went to the interview which lasted ohhhhh about 5 mins at the embassy, they said congrats youre on your way and that was it!!!

we got to our flat and were totally ecstatic! we couldnt wait to celebrate!!! but then he said ill be right back, i want to go and call family and tell them. u cant call them from your cell? he said he will get a calling card and be right back.

he was gone for ONE HOUR. my suspicion immediately was that he went to call woman number one and let her know he was coming. we had a huge fight. HUGE. i remember it ended when i threw his phone at him.

everything felt ruined. i had fought all this time with homeland security and immigration just to feel it was for nothing.

i couldnt even trust him at all even though i tried. but he didnt deserve it really.

i flew back home feeling partially relieved that visa business was over but sad and moody over something i couldnt quite put my finger on.

the next month, he flew into atlanta. as i waited for his plane, i was apprehensive if he would even show up. i kept having the nagging feeling that he had changed his flight to seattle where woman number one was.

but in he walked with all his belongings. and we went home.

wait....we did NOT live happily ever after so dont exhale yet.

locking it all down for now inshallah

2010-03-25T16:51:00.001-07:00

just going private. i need to just..i need to rest. i need to just rest

my sadness

2010-03-24T16:50:00.000-07:00

......is just unbearable

:'(

forgive me for being personal with my friends from uk

2010-03-23T02:48:00.000-07:00

this is a post that i would have preferred to have been made private but i have no other choice.

i know that you, in your own minds and hearts, are truly not my friends but i want you to know a few things.

i have let this go because i cannot bear to see him suffer or hear him cry. it breaks my heart to know he is hurting. i hate doing this. i hate letting go. its the last thing i wanted. but i hate him hurting more.

he will need comfort, love and support. he doesnt need you to tell him i was no good anyway. he cant bear it when you put me down.

all he ever wanted was for some of you to understand him. to just try to understand and help him a bit. he knew you wouldnt accept me but he just wanted you to understand a bit and support him in life.

this is one of the hardest things ive ever done, but its for his sake.

and believe it or not, i dont like to see your mom especially suffer.

youve made up a personality for me which is not true at all.

i dont use people. i was never looking for anything at all. i was not hoping to have an easy life. i dont think you ever realized how much it broke me too for you to say these things about me. im not a worldy, sophisticated woman. so very simple am i

though you dont understand how we could even connect, i love and respect him. and i would have devoted all that i had to make sure he was ok and taken care of.

Allahu alim, i wanted to actually get to know each of you. i was looking forward to it at one time.

and i would have loved your mom as i love my own. i would have respected all of you even when you dont respect me.

i would have done all of this for his sake because he loves all of you.

my heart is so heavy thats its just tearing apart. but i cant see him like this. its too much to bear.

ive no other way to reach any of you and even if i did, i know none of you would listen to me.

i was willing to reach out. i was willing to come and sit with your parents and answer questions. get to know each other. so that they could see i wasnt there to use their son or take him away. wallahi, it was never my intention. i simply saw the brightness and love in him. and i still do.

i just wish some of you had just tried, just reached out to me a bit. talked to me. i am not a creature. im just a person same as you wallahi. :'(((

shaitan has a way of clouding one's judgement especially if they begin to form judgement on someone theyve never even met.

to the oldest sister, you did meet me and i am the person you met. i dont know how to pretend to be anyone else. :(

to the sister in bradford, i always wanted to meet you. i heard so much about you. please, im asking you especially to give him comfort and help him. i think you can more than anyone.

to the younger brother and sister, he loves you so much. and it broke him to think you didnt respect him anymore.

and to his parents. he loves you even more. he talked of you more than anyone. i know i am not what you have wished for as a daughter in law. but i was so sincere. i would have honored not only your son but the both of you as well. i was always devoted to him and would have remained so. and i would have always respected the both of you.

please take care of him. it kills me to let him go so please have even a small bit of respect and mercy for me, inshallah :(

Allah forgive me if ive said anything wrong. maybe its wrong of me to write this here but nothing ive done so far has been right anyway. what did i have to lose?

:(

2010-03-22T17:13:00.001-07:00

blooming where you are planted.

2010-03-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

today while i was working, i was standing in the hallways outside of the patients rooms. being sunday, many of them had various televangelist shows playing on their t.v.s. i generally tune those out (did even as a christian - the shouting, fire/brimstone thing ya know), but one started to catch my attention. everything he said could apply to any person of any religion that believed in The One God.

he was talking about the negativity in our lives. the negative people, the negative circumstances. Allah provides us with our situations and circumstances, we cant very well change them but He expects us to change ourselves to meet up to His expectations.

the man also said that we cant change others bad behaviours and attitudes but we can most certainly change our own. he said we cant spend our entire lives trying to worry and try to make negative people happy because we will be dragged down into the pits with them.

and we have to ask ourselves, do we want to stay in a pit our whole lives? do we want to stay negative and discouraged?

or do we want to bloom where we are planted? to take our situation and turn it around for the best. to keep smiling when our family is frowning, to smile when co-workers are scowling, to hold our heads high when strangers berate us.

he said we should never say im not the right height, right nationality, right side of the tracks, right color, right age. we can achieve anything and everything.

Allah placed us on this earth to keep moving forward, not to draw an invisible line in front of ourselves and never cross it.

if our job is lacking, then look to change it. go to school. move forward.

dont let people mistreat you and drag you down with them. let go of situations that are not good for you and move ahead.

forgive those who have wronged you. this is the only way to heal yourself and move ahead.

“The reward of the evil is the evil thereof, but whosoever forgives and makes amends, his reward is upon Allah.”(al-Shura 42: 40)

he said that in each of us is seeds of greatness and treasure and that if we are willing to step out of our comfort zoneswe can rise higher in life. we have to put our confidence in God and cross that invisible line we made for ourselves.

make the best of our station in life. dont become bitter and cry because you dont have that job you want, do the best you can at that job. keep learning and rise as high as you can in that job until something better comes along, inshallah.

dont cry because you dont have any friends, cherish the few you may have or take steps to make some.

dont cry because you are single. enjoy your every day because each day IS for Allah.

dont become angry because you dont have the best car or clothes. take care of what you have and thank God for all of it. we could be much worse off but if youre able, replace what you have with what you want.

bottom line is....stop complaining about what you have or dont have, stop the negativity and discouragement. do not despair. accept what is going on around you. clean yourself off, brush your shoulders and start to bloom. rise above all adversity. do not let others bring you down. dont let their negativity rub off on you. stay out of that pit.

hold your head high and dont ever stop moving forward.

bloom where you are planted.

and do it all for God.

my mum and more.

2010-03-20T18:17:00.000-07:00

ive written about my mom so many times in the other blog. when i was growing up, she was always there. you know, she had faults as we all do. parents are human too, arent they! but i love her so much. she has lived a long life and this may she will be 86 years old.

she has been in the nursing home for nearly 2 years now. i wish she could still be with me, wallahi i would tend to her til the very end....but it just wasnt meant to be as many of you know that i had another sis who wanted her near her.

i look at her elderly face now and just see her beauty still. i see the ghost of that face that once was.

i still hear her vibrant laughter and thats one thing she still possesses...her vibrant laughter. when i call her, she laughs so much. i can hear the smile in her voice because she is so happy to hear from me.

and you know, she is christian. she loves God

so very much as did her mum. i guess i got that from her alhamdulillah.

after my father passed, she worked so hard to keep us afloat. so hard and thats another thing i inherited from her. a very strong work ethic. ive never stopped working since i graduated college except when i had my children. but you know, she had no experience in anything at all. before my dad passed, she never had to work. we w

ere well off financially. but after he died...we had nothing.

may Allah give her so many blessings for raising us as well as she did. my brothers are engineers, my sisters are hard working and have wonde

rful families.

my oldest sis still looks after us all, my next oldest sis takes most care of my mum, and my sister closest to my age..she's had to endure a good bit as i have but she is strong too! she lost her oldest child suddenly last december and it has taken a toll her her. God help them all.

my brothers have always been hard working

and taken excellent care of their families. im

proud of them.

but, you know...its my mom..my mum that kept us all together and ensured we were taken care of no matter what. she did the same thing that her own mother had to do after her husband died early in life.

lol what a bunch of beautiful strong irish women!!!

thank you mother for giving us life and loving us all.

my mother on her 85th birthday...queen for a day.

so proud of the little one!!

2010-03-20T13:54:00.000-07:00

you know, people who are born muslims just have such an advantage over us converts! we come into the deen so much later in life and have to learn so much and inshallah we are forever learning! i pray we never stop learning to be honest. but we have so many obstacles too. our nonmuslim families, our degree of "muslimness" being measured by born muslims, learning to wear a scarf and not worry about the pressure, learning a language so foreign as arabic lol....you all know what i mean!!

but to be born as a muslim, as my daughter was, how very lucky and blessed indeed!! she has no qualms about wearing her scarf (though she cant keep it straight to save her life), about saying so proudly that she is muslim and wonders why people make such a big deal about hijab and such!! she is the only muslim in her class though there are several muslims in her school and her teachers often ask her what its like being a muslim and

she answers their questions very matter of factly!

she still goes to school at the mosque on mondays and wednesdays after school and sunday for 4 hours. and its just so natural for her. i watch her reading the Qur'an at night and trying to perfect her pronunciation. she works so hard to memorize each surah and is doing so well subhanallah. she is tough and strong even though she is the only little girl there who has only her mother. it just grips my heart when the children question her about the whereabouts of her father, but i keep a smile on myface just for her!!

im so grateful to the educators who have come to our small town to bring our children in closer to islam. to keep them away from the many of the things in

the secular world that make our children start to question islam!!

i need to talk.....in private

2010-03-18T17:26:00.000-07:00

i need to be able to discuss whats going on in my private life. private being the key word here.

so i cant write about it in immature viewpoint, and i dont want to write about it here because then i'd have to make this one private too.

so im going to make another one that will be just a vent, talk, discussion place.

please send me your email addy if you wish to be there...of course, i wont post your message!! ill just take the email addy then delete the msg.

youll know the name of it once you get the email invitation.

im just..tired. im so tired. and sick.

i just need to talk and i need my friends.

lovely nasheed for children.

2010-03-15T17:50:00.001-07:00

the hit dog yelped, the fat lady sang...now lets get back to business...jihad jane and company.

2010-03-14T08:17:00.000-07:00

as muslims, we already have enough trouble these days with the non muslim population thinking that islam is equal to and synonymous with terrorism.

so now we have the likes of jihad jane and company.

colleen laRose, aka jihad jane, has been accused of plotting to kill lars vilks, the swedish cartoonist who drew the pic of our prophet, pbuh, with his head on the body of a dog.

ms jihad converted to islam after chatting with people in internet chat rooms apparently, then somehow got involved with a lovely chap who encouraged her to become involved in the plot to kill mr vilks.

ms jihad, in turn, not only agreed to do so but began recruiting other vulnerable people to join her.

this brought on the second american convert, jamie paulin-ramirez. jamie was a thrice married nurse with a 6 year old son that she took along with her on her lovely jihad vacation.

ms jihad and ms paulin-ramiriz were captured in ireland and are now held with the charges of plotting to kill the swedish cartoonist.

ms paulin-ramirez's 6 year old son is in custody of child protection services.

now with all that being said, i see this as becoming a real problem in the future.

i may get a bit of flack here but we all know that the internet has brought the world much closer together. we now know people that we may have never even thought about knowing before. we can chat easily to anyone in china or zimbabwe.

we can also chat with criminals and terrorists who are a bit savvy and know how to lure innocent people into their webs.

the problem i foresee is that of very lonely women being seduced into crime.

God bless them all if they want to become muslims.

but then heading to a life of terrorism? murder?

ms paulin-ramirez's step father (who converted to islam 40 yrs ago, alhamdulilah) said that she told him that she would strap a bomb for the cause.

real and sincere jihad is applaudable. truly. i feel sick when i look at cartoons drawn of our prophet, pbuh, but killing the non muslim who did that is not going to make things right. as a muslim, i am not going to set out on a killing spree. i am not going to get involved in crime. the death of one cartoonist is not going to stop the next person or the next person from drawing despicable pictures.

islam holds no value to a non muslim. our prophet holds no meaning to a non muslim. they dont understand why we become upset when we see things like this. but i do find it a bit odd that some muslims will kill over insults toward our prophet, mohammed pbuh, but not jesus, pbuh, or any other prophet??!! mohammed, pbuh, may have been the last prophet but he is not the only prophet.

but this trend of women sitting at home in chat rooms, lonely and willing to sign up for anything because some crooked muslim is sitting and wooing her and seducing her into this life is really a sad state of affairs for islam.

and i think this trend will grow.

and i think we will be continued to be looked upon with more and more suspicion until its nearly unbearable to live in your own country.

ahh maybe i exaggerate. i just hate that these women have involved themselves this way. i hate that their lives were so lacking that they fell for what these men were telling them. i am sad that a 6 year old boy is now stuck with strangers in a country that is foreign to him.

i hate that they give non muslims yet one more reason to distrust us. to eye us with suspicion.

come on ladies!! if you want to be muslim, do it for the sake of yourselves and Allah. do not do it for a man and to be under their spell.

to my west midlands fans

2010-03-12T18:48:00.001-08:00

thank you for taking the time to visit this blog also.

did you find what you wanted?

oh, inshallah!

to my friends who are faithful readers of my blog, i have visitors who are looking for information to use against me. trust me on this one!

if they really wanted to know me, they could take the time and speak to me adult to adult instead of googling me to death.

ive left you a longer post over at the other blog that youre digging through!

http://myimmatureviewpoint.blogspot.com/2010/03/to-my-fans-from-west-midlands-uk.html

happy reading!

i think i am married to your husband

2010-03-10T18:54:00.001-08:00

i was at work when i got this last message and i remember all of my senses just waking up. i suddenly felt like i could hear every noise in the building. my skin was crawling. i was at work in the hospital and i felt so ill.

i stared at that computer screen for a long time. somehow i managed to get up and find my calling card to call my husband who was still in egypt at the time. i told him what the last message said and he told me to ignore her...that she was crazy.

but i got a few more emails after that. she gave me details of his parents, their names, his sisters names, his hometown.

ignore her?

how the hell was i to ignore something like that?

i had just returned from egypt a few days earlier, was on cloud 9 and now, out of the blue, i was faced with the fact that i may have a co wife somewhere.

my husband and i had talked on several occasions and i told him i was not interested in being in a polygynous marriage. it was supposed to be in the wedding contract but with all the fighting going on, i completely forgot it.

i somehow made it through work that day. i went home in a fog. the events of the day playing over and over in my brain making my head ache.

how could my happiness come to such an abrupt halt? my daughters father?? did he have another wife? was she lying?

i got home and called him again. he said she was some crazy woman who he met in an islamic chat room who had wanted to learn about islam and had fallen in love with him...that they used to correspond but whom he had told to get lost cause he was married now.

i wanted to believe this version of the story desperately but i just couldnt. how did she get my email address?

a few days later, i checked an email account that my husband had opened for just him and me to correspond with each other. i never used the email account and had all but forgotten about it. for the life of me, im not even sure why i went to this email that day but when i did i was encountered with more.

another woman.

who couldnt wait to be his wife. there were even pictures of this one.

i decided to email her. with nervous fingers i typed. i was shaking and sweating. she wrote me back promptly and said yes..this man (my husband) and she had known each other for a while. they were going to marry. her young daughter called him dad. she had pictures of him all over her house. she even gave me his cell phone number as proof. she gave me her phone number and i did call.

she told me that they were going to marry. and that if i was such a good wife that obviously he wouldnt be with her. and to bring him on over to georgia!!! she said she was in florida and he would be closer to her...she thanked me in a very condescending way for paying for his visa because she would have him.

i hung up.

and called him.

i just feel like talkin' cuz i been thinkin'

2010-02-27T21:12:00.000-08:00

so some years ago, whilst vacationing in egypt i met a man. a man who i really didnt think twice about in a romantic fashion.

i was not a muslim. just a lady traveling around and learning about the other side of the world. i went to egypt, smelling the oily air, listening to the arabs, visiting the obligatory tourist sites but best of all the beautiful mosques and local cafes.

there was nothing like egypt and i was totally intoxicated by everything i experienced there. what a vast difference between life there and my life in southern usa. how very foreign in every sense of the word.

but i loved it.

yet i met this man who was interested in me but i was not interested in him. he was very cute in a boyish way yet he was actually older than he looked. he was nice enough. i just wasnt interested.

i continued making the rounds in egypt and loving every second. i can close my eyes now and remember how all of cairo looked, smelled and felt to me that first time i visited. i was enamored and didnt want to return to my normal life but i had to.

when i did go home, i was a bit depressed. life in the usa was so mundane. so boring. so typical. no adhan, no loud arabic floating through the streets, no outdoor cafes with the men playing backgammon, no donkeys strolling through heavy traffic, no smell of taameya being freshly made by street vendors, no tall minarets rising about any city here.

oh how i missed this place. getting back to a regular routine was difficult, but i did keep in touch with this man that did not capture my attention.

we started to talk on messenger. soon we started talking via phone. then talked daily. i started to get used to him. somehow this egyptian man was starting to finally capture my attention.

i remember i used to turn on my webcam and he would watch as i cleaned house or cooked an entire meal in my kitchen and we would chat via microphone.

i did not love him for a long time but eventually i did feel something akin to love.

on my next visit, we married. our day at the minister of justice is a story in itself!! a fight erupted between my husband and the man that was to marry us. i was in tears and surrounded by a throng of black abaya wearing women who were fanning me. we nearly got thrown out but the man who worked for the department was removed and someone else came in to marry us. seems the first man was tired of seeing egyptians marrying western women when there were plenty of good egyptian women available lol. after we were officially pronounced husband and wife, i walked out of the building and promptly vomited! he felt so sorry for me that he took me off to my favorite place....khan el khallili !!! that fixes everything!

this trip to egypt was even better! i went everywhere with this man who became my husband. i always walked on the inner side of the sidewalk and held the back of his shirt as he guided me through the millions that make up cairo. i would close my eyes, offer my hand and trust him as he guided me across dense traffic - praying not to be killed!

his family accepted me totally and they were so friendly and loving. they force fed me all kinds of homemade delicacies. wasnt i fat enough already? i guess not...they were constantly giving me something to eat or drink. i remember sitting with his mother, who didnt speak a word of english, and just holding her hand. somehow we learned to communicate. my mother in law and i.

this man took such care of me. i didnt lack for anything. if i so much as indicated i wanted or needed something..he was already up and running out of our flat to get it.

i remember when i started to leave after we married he cried and wanted to tear up my passport. he was afraid i wouldnt return.

but of course i did return....with our daughter.

over the course of 2 years, i visited every 6 months. each trip was better and better. egypt was home to me. i was no longer a tourist. i never had to pay for a visa as i was the wife of an egyptian. people would remember me from one visit to the next. i loved these trips and hated to return home each time. we would cry and hold each other each time i departed at the cairo airport.

those 2 years were spent with me traveling back and forth from usa to egypt and the rest of the time was spent caring for our daughter and spending wayyy too much time on the phone with homeland security and immigration.

we couldnt wait for him to get here. waiting for our interview for his visa was simply nerve wracking. we werent sure if he would get a visa or not especially since we werent too far past 9/11.

life was wonderful! i had a wonderful loving husband! i considered myself so very lucky. so lucky.

a few months before our interview at the american embassy in cairo, i received a very mysterious email from someone i didnt know.

she simply said she wanted to know me. i was so puzzled. that was the entire content of that letter.

i want to know you.

i told my husband about this odd email and he said just ignore it.

i would have but as the day progressed i received a few more.

the last one said that she thinks she is married to my husband.

i hate spammmmm

2010-02-26T19:37:00.001-08:00

what is up with all of the spam im getting in my comment box? thank goodness my comments are moderated or else i'd have them all over the blog!!!

is anyone else getting this junk in their comments??????????????????????????

do forums administer an instant license to be rude?

2010-02-20T08:02:00.001-08:00

before i became a muslim, i joined a couple of islamic forums and was duly troubled by the rants and disrespect that i witnessed there! i had to remind myself that not everyone in this world has respect toward their fellow man.

i used to post alot in these forums and developed not only friendships but a couple of adversaries as a member of forums.

even after i became an official card carrying muslim, i still frequented a couple of islamic forums. i spent great lengths of time writing posts regarding islamic beliefs and values. i burnt the midnight oil writing dawah pieces not only for others to learn but also that i may learn and grow!

but as time passed the rudeness, crudeness and downright hatred toward muslims and islam grew in these forums.

i witnessed not only ignorant people but well educated people just trash islam, our prophet, Allah and the followers without feeling the least bit of remorse.

i witnessed people studying islam at great lengths so that they could argue AGAINST islam more effectively (in their own minds of course).

i eventually whittled my islamic forum membership down to one forum. it was a new forum and i knew a great many of the members there.

over time, many atheists joined. many of the naysayers from other forums appeared. the forum became a breeding ground for anti islam rhetoric. the admins basically let them have their stage and muffled the muslims so that "dawah" could be given.

problem is, you can not effectively give dawah to people whose only past-time is to beat up islam and muslims. no matter what you say, what proof you give, what verse you offer....they counteract with trash. they use a clip of a verse here, a clip of a verse there. take things out of context and proffer it as evidence that islam is a violent sham of a religion.

the muslims in "islamic" forums get berated, verbally beaten and silenced in many islamic forums.

i noticed that most times that an atheist would join even on the friendliest of terms, it never took long to see the true agenda.....to disprove islam. to show how "non-peaceful" islam is.

there are so many people who take offense to islam. they will swear they dont hate islam they just think its a horrible misleading religion developed by a pedophile woman hater.

wow.

many open forums are definately not a place for new muslims or people wishing to truly understand or learn about islam, perhaps wishing to convert eventually. so many things are twisted. so many things insulted that the lesser learned muslim can easily become confused or the person wishing to learn truly doesnt know what to believe.

Allah bless the ones that do stay in the forums and keep marching forward with the dawah. they are better and stronger than me!

i still value my days there...i learned alot from the true believers of islam. the ones with tremendous knowledge! but it took a while for me to learn to separate fact from fiction, culture from religion, accuracy from inaccuracy. and i still love the friends i made there!!

i do want to say that all forums are not like this especially if you have good, strong admins who can keep things balanced but too many are just circuses. i was truly disheartened to see people be so mean and nasty to fellow human beings!

amusing statement of the day.

2010-02-04T17:50:00.000-08:00

i was charting at the nurses station today when i heard someone saying, "she needs to change her profile picture because you cant ....(words muffled here and i couldnt finish eavesdropping lol).

i raised my head from my desk and said, "who needs to change their FB picture?"

she said, "you! i can tell its you but you have something over your head. you need to change it cause you look like one of those muslims."

i laughed and said, "i am one of those muslims and thats my scarf."

she stared and said..

"oh, i didnt know"...and walked off.

i had to laugh!